Seen (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am very thankful for my students. It was a difficult week, and Saturday was the hardest day to come. Today, the exhaustion hit me and I was burned out and done. I cancelled our leadership meeting and just invited students over to dinner, for when I don't know else to during chaotic times, I stay busy. As we ate, my leaders shared vulnerably about their difficult weeks and I sat there, wanting to stay silent. This was my burden, my struggle, and I didn't want them to have to bear any of my burdens - they didn't need to shoulder that responsibility. I cared for them too much to add any more burdens to their own.

But one student told me we were meant to share our burdens with each other, so I shared my stories. I shared the deep wounds from the past when it came to supervisors and how that invaded my present, I shared the overwhelming loneliness I feel being the only staff here, and I shared how I didn't feel safe to fall apart anywhere. I was afraid to share because I didn't know how this would be received. Many times when I share personally, people just don't know what to do with it, especially when I share with those I have authority over. I feared what I shared, however personal, would be left hanging in the room still when everyone left.

But my students chose to stay with me. They stayed two hours past when they had anticipated leaving. They cleaned my dishes and put away the food, despite my insistence I could do it. For I knew they had homework and the like to do at home I didn't want to keep them there. I also don't handle being taken care of well since it implies I cannot do something on my own.

When I said they could just go home and I would finish the clean up one student, Jenel, looked at me and said, "Melissa this is how you are being seen. I know it may not be the best way or the way you want it, but let us see you and accept that." I was overwhelmed by her maturity and challenge. She not only voiced that my students did in fact see me but I was not letting myself realize it. She recognized my past hurt of feeling ignored and my present pride to be independent. By the end of the night my heart was full and I felt seen and acknowledged by my leaders in a way I had never felt before. It was a great moment to see the growing depth of my leaders and their willingness to sacrifice for others, and for myself to let myself be taken care of and poured into by those I serve.