One Year

"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." - C.S. Lewis

It is difficult to believe one year ago I accepted my position as an InterVarsity Intern at CSUN. Being on IV staff was not in my original plan for my life. I studied journalism but quickly switched to English to become a teacher in an inner-school. I imagined myself as Erin Gruwell, impacting students through the power of the written word and helping them find their own voice. But my first full time teaching job was a disaster, an experience that may have almost caused the death of my soul. When I stepped into this new ministry position, one I never would have imagined choosing, I had absolutely no concept what was in store for me.

Of course I had an idea about the culture of CSUN and IVMCF, enough to know that I wanted to work with these students. I was excited. I was excited to work with students who respected me, excited to work with InterVarsity, excited to wake up in the morning. This was feeling right. The "jump all in" tone was set for my ministry when literally a week after I accepted this internship position I was on a boat to Catalina for their annual Spring Break Camp. I met many of my students for the first time and many had no idea who I even was when I set foot onto the island.

When school started, however, I did not want to admit that I was still limping in pain from my teaching experience. I spent the last several months covering up the bleeding wounds to appear whole and healthy. I falsely believed it was more important to appear "held together" in front of students who experienced their own pain. They had suffered apparent neglect and abandonment. They felt passed over and unseen for such much of their InterVarsity lives because there was so little staff consistency around. When I entered the scene, they were tired and exhausted - just wanting proof that the Lord hear their cries.

I knew God heard them. I could hear their cries for staff, for mentoring, for discipleship, for love. I went in to meet the need that I saw. I stepped onto campus with a beating heart - a miracle after what I had just been through - and longed to see healing on this campus of brokenness and hurt. Jesus had every intention of healing these students but what I didn't fully realize, what I didn't fully see is that Jesus had every intention of fully healing me too.

This past year has not been an easy one. No healing can ever be easy. Those who go through physical therapy would be able to attest to this that after a damaging experience, there must be time to rebuild your body and strength. Jesus needed time to rebuild the strength of my soul. I started out in zealous excitement of my job - knowing how much better I seemed to fit into this role than as a middle school teacher.

Through working with my leadership team and my discipleship relationships - Jesus began to press into my hurt and pain. In October, when I sat with one my students during a moment of healing prayer, and I smiled after the moment was done. I felt a sense of joy that we pressed into the hard parts of her life and that she was wiling to go there. Jesus suddenly spoke to me and whispered: "Your breakdown is coming - and it's going to be bigger." I then braced for single moment of falling tears, snot mixing with sobs, and public humiliation that only red faced crying could bring.

But my "breakdown" wasn't a single moment, it was process of breaking down of my old self and a breaking through of the God-inspired, made in God's image self that I was always supposed to be. As God broke down my old wounded self - every issue of trust I ever had in my life began to rise to the surface as I felt overlooked by supervisors, by students, even by peers in my life. I felt the brokenness of a fallen world where people walk by invisible. God kept bringing himself to the surface - showing his own faithfulness, his own vision, and his own heart for my life as I remained consumed by the people who ignored me.

When stories like this get shared there is usually one climatic moment of change. It's good story telling, (it's what I attempted, albeit unsuccessfully, at one point to teach my 7th graders about plot) - every story has a climax. Truth be told, I don't think I've reached it yet. I've had many moments of small "breakthroughs" where I see the self that God has created me to be but God is still sifting through the shit I piled up from before - the lies I've let myself to believe about myself and about who God is. I look forward to the next year of my internship to see where God brings me then.

Beer and Wax Seals (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am pulling double duty on the thankfulness.

First off, I am so thankful that I got to spend time with my old college roommate, Nicole. I lived with her for most of college and we first met way back in the day during our freshman bible study. She is a friend I will treasure forever, who has been there for me through a lot rough times, and has really seen me grow from the stubborn little butt headed freshman, to a less stubborn, and slightly less butt headed adult (ok, I have seriously grown up, I promise). I enjoyed so much that she was in town for a presentation and we got to enjoy a beer together, reminding of the good days in SLO where we'd talk over a pint at Spike's.

Secondly, I was sincerely blessed by a wonderful surprise present from two of my students, Amanda and Jenel. I have been in a letter writing mood for the past month and I made a brief comment of how I wished for a wax seal to seal my envelopes with. Several days later, Amanda brings me a present of a my very one wax seal, with the letter "M" on it, for no reason other than to bless me with a gift. I am so thankful for their thoughtfulness and listening to me when I suppose I ramble. It not only touched me to receive a gift out of the blue, but one so personal and unique to me, it only made me feel more seen by my students.

At this point, I can no longer admit I am not seen by my own students (sense a theme here). I have no evidence to back that up anymore. And when I forget, I am thankful I have written this down to remember. And I can mail myself a letter and seal it with my stamp! (To say I'm excited to have this gift is an understatement - I'm completely nerding out about it, it's like an English major's dream come true).

Challenge (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am thankful for Sarena. I thought long and hard about this post because I know Sarena doesn't like to be in the spotlight a lot. But I am very, very grateful that she is on my leadership team. She is a leader who is taking a lot of risks this year, from leading a bible study to opening herself up and being vulnerable with new people, to showing people her emotional side. She is dedicated at everything she does. But more than that, Sarena challenged me last night while we were talking in two specific ways.

One, Sarena challenged me with seeing people. As you might have figured out by now, I struggle with feeling seen by others but I can easily fall into the trap of focusing all on myself (not that hard of a trap to fall into if I am completely honest). But Sarena, unknowingly challenged me to see the others in our leadership team, in our fellowship, or even right in front of me. I had, in fact, not been seeing a lot of people because I was so focused on making sure I got seen. I don't feel guilty but challenged to take steps outside of the lie that life is a story about me.

Secondly, Sarena challenged me in giving praise to others. I always saw myself as one who gives praise well because I have a way with words. As I spoke my standard praises (that I'll admit I have recycled over time) she told it was great to hear but it didn't mean much if she didn't know to what it applied. So I had to make sure I meant what I said when I told her of her value and worth by giving examples. She challenged me to be honest and genuine and not just give praise to make people feel better or stop crying to but to build and encourage.

It is difficult to be challenged and called out by the people you lead, but all together necessary. I am so grateful it was done with grace and forgiveness.

Seen (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am very thankful for my students. It was a difficult week, and Saturday was the hardest day to come. Today, the exhaustion hit me and I was burned out and done. I cancelled our leadership meeting and just invited students over to dinner, for when I don't know else to during chaotic times, I stay busy. As we ate, my leaders shared vulnerably about their difficult weeks and I sat there, wanting to stay silent. This was my burden, my struggle, and I didn't want them to have to bear any of my burdens - they didn't need to shoulder that responsibility. I cared for them too much to add any more burdens to their own.

But one student told me we were meant to share our burdens with each other, so I shared my stories. I shared the deep wounds from the past when it came to supervisors and how that invaded my present, I shared the overwhelming loneliness I feel being the only staff here, and I shared how I didn't feel safe to fall apart anywhere. I was afraid to share because I didn't know how this would be received. Many times when I share personally, people just don't know what to do with it, especially when I share with those I have authority over. I feared what I shared, however personal, would be left hanging in the room still when everyone left.

But my students chose to stay with me. They stayed two hours past when they had anticipated leaving. They cleaned my dishes and put away the food, despite my insistence I could do it. For I knew they had homework and the like to do at home I didn't want to keep them there. I also don't handle being taken care of well since it implies I cannot do something on my own.

When I said they could just go home and I would finish the clean up one student, Jenel, looked at me and said, "Melissa this is how you are being seen. I know it may not be the best way or the way you want it, but let us see you and accept that." I was overwhelmed by her maturity and challenge. She not only voiced that my students did in fact see me but I was not letting myself realize it. She recognized my past hurt of feeling ignored and my present pride to be independent. By the end of the night my heart was full and I felt seen and acknowledged by my leaders in a way I had never felt before. It was a great moment to see the growing depth of my leaders and their willingness to sacrifice for others, and for myself to let myself be taken care of and poured into by those I serve.

Three Gifts from God's Word (Joy Dare)

Joy Dare Day 18

Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him."
This is my encouragement every time I feel overwhelmed. I have known about this passage for a long time and I every time I re-read it, God gives me more peace.

Philippians 4: 4-7
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
My favorite part of this verse is the "The Lord is near." Whenever I read this verse, I often skip over this part because it is in the corner of my bible. But I know it is there and I force myself to re-read it to remind myself that the Lord is near. I need to rejoice in the Lord for he is near and his peace transcends all undersatnding. Upon reflection I also know that pray guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus - it guards my heart from fear, guards my heart from worry, guards my heart from stress, guards my heart from lies.

Genesis 16:13
"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'"
I love this verse because God reveals himself to Hagar, not one who was used to God revealing himself to her. She had run away, been mistreated, and had an unfair life. But God shows himself to her for he is the one who sees people. It just shows that God sees the pain, sees the struggles, sees, the fear, and reveals himself to those in who have been struggling.

Three Lines You Overheard that Were Graces (Joy Dare)

Joy Dare Day 3

"She gets to know people so she can love them well."
I found this on a friend's blog. When I hear things like this I am encouraged. There are many moments when I do feel like a failure - as does everyone I am sure. But when I read things like this, my heart swells up and I feel that great sense of purpose. It is just an overwhelming great feeling of joy.

"The stalling of the ball is a reminder to us to stop and reflect on the year gone by. On the triumphs and missteps, promises made and broken. New Years is about getting another chance." 
This is from the movie New Year's Eve. I was pleasantly surprised by the movie (but more on that later). I love this quote because it brought me a lot of hope for the New Year. 2011 was filled with a lot of hardships and frustrations and I am really looking forward to things improving. It gives me hope that change can be a good thing.

"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me." 
This is from Genesis chapter 16. It wasn't really overheard per say, but heard in church. This is slowly becoming one of my favorite passages in scripture where the Lord sees Hagar after she has run away from her mistress and her crappy life at home. God saw her in all the crap.