Life (30 Days of Gratitude)

November 1.

For the past three years I have done a 30 Days of Gratitude during the month of November. A student of mine got me onto to the idea back in 2012 and I've been doing it ever since.

Today is also Dia de los Muertos otherwise known as the Day of the Dead. This holiday predominately celebrated in Mexico and Latin America is a time where we gather to remember our friends and family who have passed on. I watched the movie the Book of Life (which you should watch if you have not yet) in celebration of this day.

While today may be the day of the dead, I have been reminded so much of life. Worship music songs spoke of God's power over death and promise of life.

"Sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of your great name." 

"Death could not hold you down. You are the risen king. Seated in majesty. You are the risen king!" 

In a world that has faced so much death lately - where in our country young black men and women are being killed what feels like on the daily, where immigrants and refuges are dying to just cross borders, where Christians in other parts of the world are being killed for their faith, where friends and family get cancer, where loved ones are struck by drunk drivers and killed in senseless accidents - it sometimes just feels like death rules our world. I'm reminded that Jesus promises abundant life.

I'm reminded Jesus is the conqueror of death. I'm reminded while Jesus invites us to die to ourselves, we are then given greater life in return. Even when we face so much death, I know it is not the end. So I'm grateful for a God who is bigger than death. We can have abundant life - both in the here and now and the life to come.

So today I do remember the loved ones that have gone - my grandfather, Rachelle, Senior Cuxil, and the many others. But I also remember that Jesus is the giver of true life and I am grateful.

Asleep

A few days ago I shared about my journey through depression and anxiety. As I continue to engage with Jesus about that, the scripture that has been very prevalent in my life is Mark 4:35-41. Join me in the processings as I take the passage and compose a what's called a "found poem" where you use lines from the scripture or passage to create the whole poem. 

Asleep 

a found poem

Go across to the other side. 

Let us go across to the other side. 

Evening had come. 

Great wind arose. 

Wind, storm, arose. 

Waves, sea, arose. 

Waves beat into the boat. 

Great storm! 

Boat swamped! 

Wind, storm, arose. 

Waves, sea, arose. 

Jesus! 

Do you not care! 

We are perishing?! 

Do you not care!? 

Asleep on the cushion. 

Do you not care. 

Wind, storm, asleep. 

Waves, sea, asleep. 

Jesus. 

He woke. 

Woke up and rebuked. 

Rebuked the wind. 

Spoke to the said. 

Peace. Be still. 

Obeyed. 

Wind, storm, obey. 

Waves, sea, obey. 

Rebuked. Peace, be still. 

Wind, storm, calm. 

Waves, sea, calm. 

Dead calm. 

Afraid. 

Let us go across to the other side. 

Evening had come. 

The other side. 

Storm. 

Jesus. Was asleep. 

He woke up.

Peace be still. 

Who is this? 

Storms

For the past three years I have battled off and on with depression and anxiety. I don't talk about this much but this week has affirmed that not talking about it, is only more harmful.

It started after college, when I got my first "real" job as a middle school teacher in San Bernardino. I lasted only six month there because it was full of classroom management problems, kids fighting and cursing in the middle of class, and a principal who was anything but supportive. I dreaded going to work every day. I cried in my principal's office and I was told I was failure. I became sick, depressed, and anxious. I was living in what felt like hell to me. I quit the job because of what it was doing to my physical, emotional, and mental health.

I don't talk about that experience much, because I'm filled with shame about it all. I feel the shame of not being able to handle my first job out of college, filled with shame for failing, filled with shame for quitting.

So I went to counseling, I found a great new job, moved to a new city, and rented new apartment. Working with InterVarsity allowed me to have supervisors who cared for my soul and my leadership development. I got to work with students who chose to be there every day. I didn't dread going into work anymore. I thought that the storm had passed. I could sleep again, I could eat again. I felt like a normal human being.

Still in the midst of all the healing, the storms of depression and anxiety would creep up on me during the years following. I remember one time when I was preparing to teach for our Spring Conference, I got so nervous about being in a classroom like setting again, that I almost threw up the week before we left. I had nightmares and fears about the students talking the whole time I was trying to teach, not listening to me or each other, even throwing things in class. And even know I knew none of those would actually happen, I couldn't stop myself from believing all the lies about how my grown, adult, college students would behave.

Even though I am now three years removed from this San Bernardino teaching experience, I still feel the effects of the anxiety and depression. I still have days when I feel the deep emotions that come with anxiety and depression. When a wave of anxiety crashes over me, it makes even the most mundane decision like what to have for lunch paralyzing. My heart races, my palms sweat, and it feels like a reel of every stupid decision I've made in the past is looping through my head. Then several hours later, peace comes and my heart slows down to normal and its gone. When the clouds of depression press upon me I feel apathetic and sometimes hopeless. I only want to stay in bed and sleep. The cloud weighs down on me and I want to wrap myself inside; to hide from everything and everyone. And then several hours later, the fog has lifted and its gone.

Most days are good. Most months are good. As time has gone on, the amount of depression and anxiety I've felt has been so much less compared to those months back when I was teaching. But some are not. Some days it feels too overwhelming just to even get out of bed. Sometimes I find it hard to pray because I doubt whether God could hear me in this mess I'm in. I wonder why God would allow this kind of emotional storm to happen in the first place. I doubt God's goodness, because surely a good God wouldn't allow people to face things like depression and anxiety.

In the midst of this emotional storm, I'm reminded of when the disciples where Jesus and disciples are stuck in a physical storm. They are out on the sea and a massive storm comes upon them. Waves crashing down on their boat, water everywhere, so strong, so overwhelming. Filled with panic and fear, they rush down to where they last saw Jesus, only to find him asleep. Voices shaking they exclaim: "Teacher! Do you not care if we drown?! Do you not care if we perish!?" Just when they feel as if Jesus has abandoned them, he calms the storms. The rain ceases, the waves calm down, and the boat comes to a still.

Depression and anxiety feels much like this storm. It comes out of nowhere and feels so overwhelming that it is almost paralyzing. That's what the past few days have been for me. A storm of depression and anxiety and it appears as if Jesus is nowhere to be found. The emotional storm carries on outside but where is Jesus? Does he not care that if I drown?

In the midst of all the emotional storms, the depression, the anxiety, I have to remind myself that Jesus does in fact care. In Deuteronomy God affirms that, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; not be discouraged." I don't know why the emotional storms of depression and anxiety still come even three years later. I do not know if they will ever go away. But what I do know is that Jesus has not abandoned me to drown in this. I do know that Jesus promises to bring me to the other side. And even though it may feel like Jesus is asleep, I know that he will come and calm the storm.

We Cry

I don't know what I should be saying.
But I've been silent for too long.

Nine people dead because they went to a church prayer meeting,
to pray for revival,
to pray for hope and justice.
They welcomed in the stranger
only to have to hide under pews
pretending to be dead
just to stay alive.

I don't know what I should be saying.
Black men and women unable to feel safe
in the streets,
in their backyards,
in their churches.
You are the God of refuge, our fortress
but right now feels like open war.

I don't know what I should be saying.
Black vs. white.
Terrorist vs. mentally unstable.
A country divided against each other,
damaging each other
while blaming the foreigner.

I don't know what I should be saying.
what if I say the wrong thing?
My white hands cover my mouth
to prevent anything hurtful from slipping out.
But my silence speaks louder.

I don't know what I should be saying.
My lips want to cry to the Lord for justice and mercy
but no sound comes out my mouth
It is dry and weak,
afraid the Lord cannot hear

Jesus we cry for justice!
We plead for peace.
We weep for those lost.
Jesus do you hear us?

Do you hear the cries of our hearts?
Do you hear the pleading for safety from violence?
From murder and terror?

God save us! Bring us into your arms
Bring us into refuge and safety.
We are angry, bitter, lost, and hopeless.

My friends I stand with you.
I weep with you.
I grieve with you.
Even if I don't know what I should be saying.
I say this is unfair.
I say this unjust.
I say Lord we need you.

Lord, you are the God who saves us; 
Day and night we cry out to you. 
May our prayer come before you; 
turn your ear to our cry. 

Ink'd Again

Over Christmas I decided to get my second tattoo. I already received one that was I was thrilled with and they aren't lying when they say it becomes addicting.

This one is a finch who represents Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird. (It's placed on my left shoulder). TKAMB is one of my all time favorite books because of its power in storytelling and its relevance even today. Atticus Finch to me is a literary hero who stands up for justice and what is right no matter the cost and no matter if knows he's going to lose. He reminds me we too must often do just that.

"Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It's knowing you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

This serves as a reminder to me that courage not giving up, that standing up for justice is always important, even when we do lose. After all, Jesus stood against injustice and his accusers murdered him on a cross.

And this reminder hurt significantly more than the first one that's for sure.

Faith

My mom was the one who told me about having a word for the year. Last year for her, it was joy. This year it's make every square count (yes, she had 4 words, but she's my mother, she can do that). 

I've thought about what word I wanted for 2015. I was an English major in school words are very important to me. Words have power and meaning and strength. It couldn't just be any word. But as I wracked my brain for the best word I could think of, one came in a whisper. 

Faith. 

Not cheesy, Hallmark greeting card kind of faith. I'm talking about Hebrews 11 kind of faith. "Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

Faith, pardon my language, is badass. As I look throughout scripture and throughout history, I see how those with strong faith are some of the toughest people. Abraham had faith God would provide a sacrifice and is about to kill his own son, with complete assurance of what he does not see. David had faith that God was good even as he running from a madman trying to kill him. The bleeding woman had faith that just the smallest touch of Jesus garment would heal her. 

This is the kind of faith I want for 2015. Confidence in what I hope for and assurance of what I do not see. I want the kind of faith that is strong, rooted, and deep. The kind that keeps me assured of who God is, and who I am created to be. Instead of being rooted in insecurity and lies - having faith. As everything seems to shift in my life as I live the wonkiness of being in my mid/late 20's, I want faith to accompany me as I take this journey.

Oh and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious came as a close second. 

A Great Light

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before as people rejoice at the harvest, as warriors rejoice when dividing their plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and pace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this. 

Isaiah 9:2-7

When Jesus entered the world over 2,000 years ago, he entered a world covered in great darkness. Israel was harshly oppressed by the Romans and God had been silent for almost 400 years (between Old Testament and New). Women were treated poorly, those who were not Jewish were barely allowed to worship in the temple, and as the Romans oppressed Israel, Israel oppressed others - the poor, the sick, the possessed, and the hurt. 

We also live in a world of great need. A world that feels still covered in darkness. The race tensions in America are at a high, with young black men being killed at an alarming rate, with women still out of reach for true equality, with injustice imbedded within our government systems and in our hearts. We too are living in a land of darkness, one we may not be able to recognize. We are again in a time in desperate need of Jesus. 

We need a Wonderful Counselor. We've made some really bad decisions as humanity, as a country, and as individuals. We've let a lot of bad theology, ideologies, and the like get into our minds and hearts. What was supposed to be "love God and love your neighbor" has been replaced with "look out for my own". We need Jesus' wise counsel to flood our minds once again. To have the wisdom to truly understand Jesus' commands in scripture and to live them out fully. 

We need a Mighty God. There are a lot of crappy things happening in our world today. Powerful and overwhelming systemic injustice feels impossible for the single person to change. We need a mighty supernatural God to bring waves of change in places we had not imagined possible. We need justice in the places were there isn't. We need Jesus to bring about reconciliation and restoration. We need to admit our own faults and shortcomings and look to Jesus. 

We need an Everlasting Father. Many of us have had poor father figures, and all the more leads to a distrust of those in positions of authority. We've seen fathers and those in authority abuse, neglect, torment, abandon, and betray us. But Jesus promises an Everlasting Father. One who will never leave, who will never neglect, who does not torment or abuse. We need redemption and a true Father. 

We need a Prince of Peace. It's not hard to look around us and see chaos. With young black men being killed on what feels like a daily basis, with terrorism, with power abuse, with human trafficking, with drug use and abuse, and even natural disasters that we have no control over, our world sometimes feels too chaotic to handle. Jesus promises peace and comfort. Not just for eternity but for the here and now. 

When Jesus was an adult and began his ministry he said the Kingdom of God is at hand. Repent and believe. The Kingdom of God - this kingdom of restoration, of peace, of justice, is not just one for heaven. It's one for the here and now. It's for our present and for our future. We must still repent of our sins - both individual and communal and believe in our deep need for Jesus.

I want to have the answers of how that will happen. To solve the problems I see on my newsfeed every day. I want to use the privilege I have to make a difference. When we admit of our desperate need for Jesus, we see things in the light. We no longer live in the darkness of bitterness, of hatred, and of chaos. So Jesus come, bring your wonderful counsel, your might, your fatherly love, and your peace into your hearts so our world may turn more towards your light.

If I Can Just...

Over the weekend I went hiking with some friends. Now I love hiking but the trail was significantly stepper than I anticipated. As I trudged up the steep inclines I kept telling myself just to make it to the next point - the end of the of the hill, to the shady spot, to the overlook, to the curve, etc. If I had made it to that point, then it would all be over. But each hill lead to another one and each shady spot was soon eclipsed by more sun. Even when I finally reached the top, I still had to hike back down the 3 1/2 miles I just came up. 

By the time I reached the top of the mountain, I had used a significant amount of emotional, mental, and physical energy so therefore coming down was even bigger toil. By the end of the hike I was done - swearing to never go hiking again, ready to fall over, and just wanted to get to my bed. That day the hike felt more like a chore than it felt like a joy.

I wonder if we live our lives like chores instead of joys, spending so much of our time just trying to make it to the next the next thing. 

If I can just make it to graduation. 

If I can just make it to the end of this semester. 

If I can just make it to the end of the week. 

If I can just make it to the end of the day. 

And when we make it through the end of the day we are left disappointed because we still have get back up and do it all again tomorrow. We make it to the weekend only to realize there are only 48 hours between us and the week starting again. We make it the semester's end to find another one starts right after. We make it to graduation to find student loans, and unemployment.

We feel unsatisfied because we expected to be finished only to find another hill in front of us.

When we live with our eyes solely focused on just making it to the end we miss out on a lot and we grow tired. We grow tired because it feels like there is a never ending series of hills and inclines, of miles to travel. We thought we would be finished by now but we aren't. And when our eyes are solely focused on the end we miss all that is happening around us and life becomes a burdensome task just to make it to the final stop.

I think living our lives like this tires us out too much. We are so focused on just getting by, on counting down the hours until we can go home from work or class, we are counting the weeks until finals are over, or we are counting the days until vacation. What is in front of us isn't a challenge or an opportunity - it's an obstacle in my way of getting to the end. This way of living seems exhausting, and having lived like this it is exhausting.

There has to be a better way. God intended for us to have abundant life, not one buried down by burden. God says that his yoke is light, that he brings us to still waters for rest. So why are we only focused on the hills in front of us as obstacles instead of just what there are? Is there a way to change our mindset and fix our eyes not on our burdens but on Jesus? By fixing our eyes on Jesus we do not see the next hill, but we see our savior, our friend, and he is with us in the steepest inclines and the straightaways. I don't know if I have all the answers of how to do this but maybe by stop saying the phrase "If I can just..." might be a way to start. 

My Voice

I used to write all the time. Daily I would journal and weekly I blog. In my free moments I'd jot something down in a notebook I always carried with me or take a note on my phone. I would sit with my favorite pen while thoughts poured out of my soul like rushing river. A river full of dreams, of imagery, of feelings, and words poured out onto thin lines of paper.

But now it is dry. I sit down at the computer or with my journal and my throat feels parched. The ink seems sit, the page remains blank, and the keys stay silent. I have become silent. Somewhere in the past few months I became afraid of using my own voice.

I became afraid to say the wrong thing. I became afraid to mess up. I felt that people were suddenly looking more to me to get it right, to be perfect, to know the answers, to have the best grammar, and to do the right thing. I felt a growing sense of pressure - like a backpack - getting heavier and heavier. Like each time I wanted to get it right, another rock was placed inside.

That is not what God, nor anyone has intended for my life. God wants me to live a life of freedom and somehow I imposed this burden upon myself. God never wanted me to live in fear but has given us a spirit of power, love, and self control (2 Tim 1:7). God wants me to use my individual voices to change broken systems, to encourage, to edify, to bring justice, and to advocate for those who cannot speak. When I gave into the fear, I stopped doing all of those things. There may have been places where I needed to say something but I stood in the shadows of silence instead.

So I am going to step out in faith and speak. I will use my voice to bring others into my experience and listen well to the voices of others. I want to share the stories of Ferguson, of injustice, of hatred, of campus access, and of revival, and breakthrough, and prayer, and transformation! I want to speak to encourage others to stand in the freedom that Christ promises and no longer live in the burden of shame or guilt or bitterness.

I'm human though so I'm probably going to say the wrong thing at some point. I really wish I wouldn't but I'll make a grammatical error or a typo or say something meant to be helpful but cause hurt instead. But God does not expect perfection, he expects obedience and love. And if using my voice brings love then I think it's going ok.

Here's to letting you all (the two readers beside my mother - hey mom!) into the places of my life - both the painful and and the joyful. Here's to letting you in the reality of our world around us and sitting sometimes in the messiness.

Do You Trust Me

I have recently started a position as a full time InterVarsity staff and I've spent a majority of my time fundraising. I've stepped off campus - away from students and from campus ministry in order to do this. So naturally I'm feeling a lot of things: over the past two months I've felt frustrated, angry, sad, joyful, happy, elated, lonely, passionate, focused, tired, distracted, energetic, excited, and many more. It's been an up and down season and until today I couldn't even begin to write about it.

It started with my dear friend, Erna's blog. In her Process of Disappointment, she reflects that disappointments often lead us to discover deep truths about ourselves. She also shared that there is power as we share those disappointments with others, not to throw ourselves pity parties but that we may receive the comfort and a good ass-kicking from our community around us. So here I go - finally starting to share.

I've always seen myself as fairly strong and resilient. I can handle many things that are thrown at me. I've been through a good deal - from my parents divorce, to a lot of rejection in college, to a terrible teaching experience, and many other things have shaped and formed me as a strong, independent woman of God. It can be very easy to trust in myself because I am strong, I am independent, and I am self-reliant.

But I have also faced many disappointments over the years that have spilled into present day. I wouldn't always deal with them because I wanted to come across as strong and independent but inside I was really feeling the frustration and anger at what I wanted to happen - didn't.

• When I prayed to God for years to bring my parents back together after a divorce, I was left disappointed. 
• When my dad would frequently be late or have to canceling spending time with us, I left was disappointed. 
• When I wasn't asked to prom in either junior or senior year of high school, I hate to admit it, but I was disappointed. 
• When I wanted to be in a relationship with someone but it was clearly not going to work out, I was left disappointed. 
• When now I see so many of my friends and students getting into relationships, getting married, having babies and I'm still single, I'm left disappointed. 

Many of those I have reconciled but there are some deep places in my soul that still are affected by those disappointments. During this season of fundraising God has began to work on the common theme between all of them: trust. So many things that disappointed me lead to a lack of trust of Jesus. Over the years I developed a deep fear that God will not care of me and that only person I can trust is myself. During college (and post-college) I engaged with Jesus on that a lot that and I thought I had worked it all out but God was inviting me to a deeper level of trust with him.

For in the past I might have thought it was the individual event that was a disappointment but they all lead back to deeper lack of trust of God's goodness. I might have thought I was disappointed that my parents didn't get back together, what I really felt was that God didn't hear my prayers. When my dad had to leave early from a school play, what I really felt was that I wasn't good enough for him to give his time to. When I wasn't asked to prom, I felt I was beautiful enough to even be considered. When this relationship didn't work out, I thought God was ignoring this desire I had. When I'm still single into my mid-twenties, what I really feel is that there must be something wrong with me.

So Jesus has been asking me the question: Do you trust me?

I'm reminded of the scene in Aladdin - when Aladdin asks Jasmine to jump on the flying carpet and go on an awesome adventure with him. He extends his hand out saying - do you trust me? And that's what Jesus has been asking me daily. When I feel I have no energy left for appointments he asks if I trust he can provide strength. When I fear I no one will give any more he asks if trust he will he provide the finances. When I feel alone he asks if I trust that he is all comfort and will provide friendships. When I feel discouraged he asks if I trust that he is faithful.

Jesus has to ask this every day because my instinct is to say no. I want to do it myself - I want to prove myself as the strong, independent woman, who can do it all - no matter what my mother tells me. I want to be in control. But Jesus is inviting me to not be in control, in fact to relinquish control back to him, and jump on the magic carpet.

In Erna's blog, a friend of her shared this: "She wasn't telling me to pretend everything was fine and put on a happy Christian face. But she was challenging me that my pain wasn't an excuse to dismiss every truth I knew about God." That's what it means to trust Jesus. To longer let my pain or disappointment be an excuse to dismiss every truth I know about God.

And here are some the truths I know about God:

• He hears our cries and listens to our prayers (Psalm 40) 
• He never leaves us nor abandons us (Deut. 31 and Joshua 1) 
• He heals us (Psalm 103 and Mark 5) 
• He loves us deeply (John 3) 
• That I have been anointed for this ministry position (Isaiah 60) 
• That he is the giver of peace surpassing understanding (Phillippians 4) 
• That he forgives our sins (1 John 1) 
• That he will guide us (Proverbs 3) 

So in those moments when I'm overwhelmed by fundraising, by still being single, by being too busy, by not seeing my students, or by being alone God is giving me an invitation to trust that he will take care of me. He is extending his hand and asking me to go on a ride that I may not know fully where it takes me, but I know that God is in control.

Yeah it may sound a bit cheesy but it also sounds kind of exciting. And I like that.

Valentine's Day

I tried to come up with a great post with great reflections about Valentine's Day. Not sure what I wanted - but something profound about the joy of being single without sounding too cheesy or insincere. But I couldn't. I just couldn't come up with anything at the moment. I mean I'm generally ok with being single at the moment. I enjoy taking more risks and learning who I am in this stage. I enjoy that I have a unique voice as an "older" single woman (I use older really hesitantly - but being unmarried and not in a relationships over the age of 25 in the church can often feel like older). I enjoy being single most of the time.

But there are times when I don't enjoy it. When I see new relationships arise, when I see my friends get engaged, when my friends plan weddings, have babies, buy homes, and get to share their life with someone else and honestly I get jealous. Can I say that? Yes - I do - I get jealous.

It can feel lonely and frustrating being single still. And it doesn't just hit me on "Singleness Awareness Day." Because, honestly, I'm aware everyday that I'm single - I don't need an invented holiday to tell me that. Some days I'm so content with my singleness. Some days I'm not. But there is a truth that surpass my feelings and emotions: that Jesus loves me and cares for me. I can be confident in that truth because it won't change when I'm single or married. He will always see my cries, pain, tears, and frustrations. He will always see my joys, strength, and confidence. And it's this truth that gets me through the not so great days. Because feelings and circumstances change. Jesus does not.

And that's pretty awesome.

But I actually had a really great Valentine's Day itself because I spent it with good friends, laughed a lot, and got some free stuff! So here are some pics of the pretty epic Friday.

Valentine's Day cards from Mom. Doubles as a bookmark. How cool is that? 

Jenel is the vampire squirrel? 

We waited about 10-15 min for ice cream. We played with plush toys while we waited so it felt like no time at all. 

Spiderman was on a car!

We painted while watching the Olympics. Mine is the bottom left.

Chapter Two

Seven years ago I rededicated my life to Christ. It was a moment where I needed to make my faith real, I needed to jump out of the boat, I needed to do something to stop living in a watered-down faith. And God has brought me a long way since then. I've been challenged, I've been pressed, I've been encouraged, I've been all over the place and God has been faithful.

Two years ago I became an intern with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at CSUN and that was totally unexpected. It wasn't a part of my plan but God brought me into a season of deep healing and deeper relationship. My faith was very much transformed by this process.

Now it's time for a new chapter. I just accepted a full time staff position with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship to work at a staff at CSUN and Pierce (interestingly enough interviewing at the same church I made decision I faith). God has brought me a long way in the past seven years and I'm excited to see where God continues to bring me.

When I first stepped onto CSUN's campus to consider coming on staff I commented that it felt like home. It was the same feeling I got when I stepped onto Cal Poly SLO's campus to consider coming as a student. I couldn't explain it but it just felt like the place I needed to be. And now I am excited to make that place and the schools around it, my home for the next several years.

Little Drummer Boy

I love Christmas music. I always have. Growing up Christmas was my favorite holiday for three reasons.

1. My mother LOVES the season. She is get super festive and our house turns into a winter wonderland. So even not being a child anymore, Christmas decorations still makes me feel more at home. 
2. It always comes around my birthday, so there was just a lot to celebrate. 
3. The lights and the music. Christmas music just seems so much better than most. 

But I am very selective about the music that I like during this season. I like Advent music, music that really expresses the amazing fact that Jesus came down to earth on during this season and that is something worth celebration, that our Savior, has come. Little Drummer Boy was never one of the songs that made it onto my powerful, emotional, Advent songs list. 

That is until now. One of my favorite bands, Pentatonix, did a version of it that changed my view on the song entirely. Listen to it here first: 

I can't quite put to words what made me love this version so much more than the rest of it, but I think it was the right musical composition to make me actually understand the meaning of the song. A small boy, knowing he has nothing to give Jesus but his drum playing, plays at the feet of Jesus. And Jesus accepts this child's gift, because he gave all he had, he gave willingly, and he gave freely.

Isn't that all Jesus wants from us - to give him what we have, whether much or little. Many times we withhold our best gifts from Jesus because we fear they aren't good enough as the person standing next to us. Let them lead, let them serve, let them play because they are ultimately the better one. We have become so entrenched in a world of comparison and jealousy that we withhold the best parts ourselves from Jesus.

Jesus doesn't care if you are the best drummer or the worst drummer, he wants you to give yourself, your talents, your gifts to him and let him use them as he will. I like this song because this young kid gets it - he doesn't have much to give so he gives what he has, and he gives it all. If he had been given wealth beyond belief he would have given that and if he could bake he would have made Jesus pie (which would be awesome). But he couldn't do those things, so he played his drum.

May we all find our drum to play for Jesus and play it like we would for a king.

Exponential (30 Days of Gratitude)

Last year when I attended Exponential I wanted to be just about anywhere else. I had no students attending, I was exhausted and burnt out from ministry, and I was just not in a good place. I tried to get out of it but I was encouraged to press into the difficulty and be present. I learned a little and Jesus still met me as he always does when we are willing but it didn't leave a lasting impression.

It's amazing how much a year a can change a person. This has been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Last year, not a single CSUN student came. This year we brought 17. I bonded with my intern cohort - made silly jokes, had real conversations, prayed vulnerably and honestly, and ate too much food tougher. I met new students from other campuses, and began to see where God was leading students in our division to witness to Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

I'm so thankful that my CSUN students are willing to be challenged to mission - they are willing to be challenged to love and influence their friends at a deeper level, that they are willing to develop others to become missional disciples, that they are willing to allow their lives to be transformed by Jesus. For God has a promise for them - that he will fill them with power and they will be his witnesses in places they do not expect. I get to be a part of that journey for them and I am eternally grateful to see where God will take some of the most amazing people I've ever met and doing even more amazing things with their lives. If they are willing.

I am grateful I chose to come on staff, that I chose to come to CSUN and have been able to be a part of the crazy transformation on this campus and in the lives of my students. I'm excited to see what else God has in store for CSUN, for the San Fernando Valley, and for the places beyond our scope or imagination. I'm excited to see the places that God calls my students and the lives they will soon impact that they haven't even dreamed of yet. I am grateful for the promise of the Holy Spirit's power to guide us, to give us boldness, and to be with us always.

Spiritual Direction (30 Days of Gratitude)

Once a month I meet with an InterVarsity Spiritual Director and it just may be my favorite day of the month. I have been to counseling before and while it is a great resource - it focuses more on fixing problems, giving you ways to cope, or healing pain. And I've needed that in the past and I will continue to need that in the future. But right now I want someone to just help me see where is Jesus in all the chaos of my current life, what is Jesus doing each month, and how are these things connected.

Enter my spiritual director. It is still a trial phase but I really enjoy it. He listens, he affirms when situations are difficult, and he asks all the time - where do you see Jesus in this? What he said to me today is that Jesus and I writing a story together, and he (my spiritual director) is there to help figure out the themes, the plot, the points of connection. And it's in these times that I see how much Jesus is there for me, how is standing right beside me as I enter into seasons of chaos or frustration or busyness.

I am so grateful for these times, for the space to listen and to share, and for the time to see the story of my life being woven together and it makes me joyful for the future.

Exiled vs. Trailblazer

Disclaimer: This is in response to a previous blog post about my staff situation. After more reflection, I felt like a further explanation was needed to expand on the hopefulness of my staff situation and the gratitude I have for where InterVarsity has placed me. To read the previous post, click the link below.

Last week I wrote a blog post about some of the more difficult aspects of my journey on InterVarsity staff. I wrestled with a lot of the tension of being in staffing situation where I was by myself and was open about some of the pain brought up. The end point was to be hopeful and come at the pain from a place of gratitude for a hard year and a situation that ultimately grew in my understanding of the gospel. As I look into the next year and see a staff situation that may not change drastically (although there will be some change for the new year), I am pressed with the choice of remaining in a place of pain or frustration or blazing ahead into something new.

The question is, will I, myself, remain the same as I step onto our campus for another year? Will I chose to be hopeless or hopeful as I spend another year as the only staff at CSUN? Will I chose to see my position as one of a person exiled or one of a person sent, a trailblazer? This choice in perspective can make or break my next year at CSUN.

While being the only staff on a campus there are many feelings that come along. I feel alone, I feel distant from others, I feel isolated because of the location of school and being by myself, I feel different because I don't have the chance to interact with others in similar positions, and I feel generally misunderstood, feeling many do not know how to interact with my experiences.. These feelings are not bad in of themselves, they are the emotional reposes to the reality I am the only InterVarsity's staff at CSUN's campus. But there is a call to respond in particular point of view, or perspective to these feelings of isolation and distance. I have two choices: to feel as one in exile or one sent as a trailblazer, and the distinction between the two changes everything.

If I chose to see myself as one  in exile, I will be surrounded by hopelessness. I may feel alone because I believe the lie I am not worth putting in a "normal" team. I may feel distant because the location barrier seems too great for anyone to venture towards CSUN. I may feel isolated because I am not in a place of constant staff community and it also appears as if no one cares enough to come to reach out to us. I may feel different because because the lack of staff seems to suggest my place of ministry is not one where others want to go. I may feel misunderstood because I don't see people want to hear my stories or share in my experiences. I may even feel I am being punished and I am sent here for correction. If I chose to see myself as exiled, I am believing a lot of damaging lies about myself, about InterVarsity, about Northridge, about CSUN and its students, and mostly about the character of Jesus. If I chose to see myself as one been exiled to Northridge then I send the message this is a place of desolation and destruction, nothing good can come out of here or goes into here.

However, if I chose to see myself as a trailblazer then I am surrounded by hope. I will feel alone, but only  because of circumstance and I know there is an entire community sending me into this place. I will feel distant from others but only because Northridge is not conveniently located and let's face it - the 405 freeway has terrible traffic, not something I can control. I will feel isolated but only because I still will be the only staff on campus but an opportunity to invest and develop students, and see them rise to positions of leadership. I will feel different but only because of all the new things I am trying but difference is not a bad thing. I will feel misunderstood but only because I am learning how to share my stories in a way to be fully understood but people are trying. I chose to see myself, my campus, my students as trailblazers for risk, then we are being supported by a community who trusts us to try new things, who sees Northridge as a place where good things are sent and greater things return - it is a place full of abundant life.

How powerful can a change in terminology, in perspective, in a way of seeing can alter a ministry. I believe this is how Jesus wants us to see ministry at CSUN. Jesus saw with spiritual wisdom and spiritual eyes, which is so different from our human knowledge. I think he understands being a trailblazer can sometimes feel like being in exile. Instead of one being sent away, it is one of being sent forth. Instead of a ministry trying to run from hopelessness it becomes one to lead in hopefulness. Instead of a ministry where we struggle to help people to see their calling, it is a place where they understand they've been called to and begin to call others. Instead of place of desolation, depression, and destruction it becomes a place for growth, life, and transformation. If we want to see people come to Northridge, we ourselves have to believe it is a place worth being at - because it is a place worth being at. It is a place where risks are taken and where new things are developed. It could be a place where other fellowships learn from. We can be a place of revival but only if we are willing to take the risks, try new things, and see ourselves as a place and a people worth reviving.

I speak for myself and for my community, we must not be afraid to feel alone, isolated, or distant from others in ministry. We must not be afraid to take risks, to make big leaps, and to blaze ahead into unknown places. If we see ourselves trailblazers into something new we will not succumb to the lies and surround ourselves in hope and joy. We are a worthy people sent forth into a difficult place. God has great things promised for us. Like Joshua and Caleb, we may need to go ahead and scout out what God has promised us. God has promised us revival if we are willing to reach for it, if we are willing to blaze new trails for it. How wonderful to be a part of a trailblazing ministry and not be in a place of exile!

Regional Staff Conference

(Left: So Cal staff and their families) 

Every June, the Southern California Region of InterVarsity heads to Catalina for our regional staff conference. It is a time for training, visioning, and resting with other InterVarsity staff. For me, I get to see friends from my college days as well as spend time with my new staff friends. I also get to spend some time with my students, as several of them helped with childcare for the week. Our training focus was on empowering and releasing student leaders into ministry. Our speakers, Jason and Sophia Gaboury, brought a powerful word about the transformation and growth they have seen in their region in New York/New Jersey. They shared powerful stories about how God is moving on the east coast and what we can learn from their region. Her are some of the key things that I felt God moving in me that weekend:

- Setting goals brings up a lot of junk in our own lives. 
I was already seeing this before I arrived when I was discussing goal setting with my students. Much like fundraising, setting numerical goals for ministry brings up a lot of insecurities and fears of failures. As I discussed goal setting strategies with students, I met a lot of resistance about setting a number to how many students we want in our fellowship, how many small groups, and especially how many new believers. They would all tell me that putting a number to it can dehumanize them and they reasoned that counting them would make it appear that we value perfection over people. But underlying this, I think is was a major fear of failure. A fear of what will happen if we don't meet goals, the guilt of not fulfilling a requirement and the anxiety of having to live up to a standard.

I've seen goals been unhealthy set, especially when I was in the teaching world. I have seen teacher's identities and become solely focused on goal meeting and job performance. I've seen principals and administrators tear teachers apart for not meeting goals and I have seen schools that focus more on meeting test score quotas than they do on individual students. Setting goals sends me into a past pain of my own experiences in setting goals, the fears of meeting with supervisors to discuss them and the fear of being publicly berated for not having met goals. I have a lot of personal baggage when it comes to setting goals.

But that is not at all the kinds of goals God wants us to set. I believe that God wants us to create healthy goals to drive our ministry forward and use them as a propeller to meet the needs of students on campus.
Jason and Sophia took us through Nehemiah 1 and 2 to show us that setting goals and plans is helpful and valuable in God's mission. Nehemiah was fueled by a holy discontent for how things were and that pushed him into action. God was actively involved in the process but Nehemiah showed up and put forth a lot of effort. From his example we see that setting goals is not just about meeting a quota but about putting all your resources, energy, willfulness, creativity, and strategy into what God has called you two and goals give you a place to direct all of that.

- We will not grow in our region just by hiring more staff.
InterVarsity staff have a lot of value in campus ministry. They carry a lot of vision, passion, skills, and wisdom into college ministry settings but sometimes we get caught in the trap that we believe our fellowships will only grow if we hire more staff. As solo staff on campus, this can feel overwhelming because either I can think growth solely relies in me or that I will never be able to grow until I get a support team to come do ministry with me. There is a lot of danger in this line of thinking because it puts staff at the center of ministry rather than Jesus. If hiring more staff is the goal, then ministries only work when there is staff present. I've seen this mentality play out for the worse as some of my own students even believe to do ministry on campus they need staff there. False. Students are vital for ministry growth and the ever growing question is how can we empower and release student leaders to start being missional leaders on their own campus - to be Godly, goal-oriented, emotionally healthy, self-starting leaders. How can students be the ones to move growth forward, to catch onto the mission of building witnessing communities, and use IV staff as their resource rather than crutch?

How are we going to do this? Two things stood out to me: 1. We have to cast the net wide. We have to go and reach the thousands of students on campus and not be limited to the ones who walk by our table. The Gabourys pointed out that if we cast the net too small then we find those that need us, but we should be looking for people we need to join in mission. 2. We have to be clear about leadership expectations. I think many times we look at leadership as: can you lead a bible study but maybe we should change it to are you willing to be missional for the campus? Providing clarity in the expectations of leaders gives them opportunities to be the Godly, goal-oriented, emotionally healthy, self-starting leader that we desire as well as gives them clear expectations of what they should be doing at any time.

- You have to have a clear vision for your fellowship. 
Almost everything we came back to was about communicating the vision for the fellowship to those on the campus. If the vision isn't missional, then the group won't be missional. If the vision is unclear and vague, then the mindset of the group will be unclear and vague. It needs to be easily communicable so that it can be passed along from person to person but also the answer to the question why. Why do we do this? Well because [insert vision here]. If some structure doesn't fit in line with the vision then we should question why we are doing it all. A clear and simple vision allows students to be the ones to articulate the purpose of our fellowship to other students and cast the net wide of those we want to reach.

I appreciated many of the things said at our conference because it validated many of the things we are already doing on campus as well as provide a new paradigm for campus ministry. It made me excited to be a part of the growing changes.

Mountains and Valleys

Disclaimer: What I'm about to write goes into a painful moment I had along my first year of staff journey. There are many moments along this journey that have been difficult and I have chosen to write about one of the particular places of hardship for me. Know that as I write this, I write this from a place of gratitude and healing - that while this part of the journey was far from easy, there is much that I see about who Jesus is, who he cares for, and what he cares for. It is in these moments of pain that I get to experience a piece of the pain that others have been feeling long before me and I gain truer sense of the gospel. I see a clearer picture of who Jesus cares about and how deeply he loves his people on the outside and longs to bring them in. As you read this, also know that I tend to write my emotions intensely (being a feeler and an English nerd), but know that I am, for lack of a better term, "fine" and in a process of restoration and healing from some past experiences. If you want to read my reflections about a hopeful perspective in ministry click here. 

About a month ago my best friend, Sol, came to visit me in Northridge (she now lives in Fresno). We met three years ago at the FUI (Fresno Urban Internship) summer project and bonded because we were in a very similar state in our lives. We had both experienced serious rejection and were both in need of major healing. If we had not met that summer, I'm not sure we would be as close as we are now. For while we are very similar we also have striking differences. We both love food and traveling, love Portland and Seattle, love watching Friends, love listening to music, and spending time in silence together. We feel emotions deeply, love being around people, hearing the stories of the people around us, and seeing things for what they are.

But we have many differences. Sol is Mexican, I am European. She was raised in a single mother home while I was raised in a split parent home. She grew up in poverty and I grew up in middle-class. She went to public school, I went to private Christian school. There has always been a gap between us in the way we were raised, and while my privileged gap may not be mountains higher than hers, it is wide enough to clearly see the difference, to see we essentially grew up on the "opposite sided of the tracks."

I say this to set up the scene to which I entered. One of the great things about my friendship with Sol is our ability to speak freely about the difficult topics such as race, ethnicity, poverty, personal brokenness, family, etc. We work hard to try to understand or at least hear out where the other comes from. We work hard to listen to each other's stories and see the pain of a life we don't fully understand. No matter how hard we try, until we experience it for ourselves, we will never fully understand each other's stories. But we still listen. I will never fully understand what it is like to live is a marginalized minority and it is almost impossible to "displace" myself (intentionally place myself into positions of being a minority) in a way that allows me to truly understand what it is like to live out that life rather than just experience it for a short a time.

But as we discussed my staff experiences that weekend, we realized that I had been having my own marginalized experiences. Small and focused - I was getting new insight into a displacement and as weird as it will sound, I would end up being truly grateful for. As I describe my experiences and my emotions, know that I am grateful for the results and greater understanding it would soon bring.

For the past year I have been on InterVarsity staff at Cal State Northridge. I love InterVarsity and the vision they have for college students and seeing transformation on and beyond the campus. But like any organization, para-church, or non-profit, it has its weaknesses (it has to if it is an organization comprised by humans, who all have weaknesses). One of the hardships this year has been being by myself on campus and not having many of the typical structures many campus staff do. I feel marginalized because I am a solo staff at a campus far away from others. My supervisor lives 60 miles away (which is a short distance in comparison with other regions, where supervisors live 2-3 hours away). But it still feels lonely, isolating, and frustrating.

There are a lot of things that are not fair about my situation and there are injustices too. I have spent a great part of the year wrestling with the line between unfair and unjust, determining where I selfishly desire to make situation easier (unfair) and where in my staff situation that is not right (unjust). I have wrestled with being alone, with no staff team all year while I watch other schools receive many staff. I watch others bond with their teams and team leaders. I see the pictures on social media, of teams bonding together, and I will admit it, jealously long for that to be me. As I see what many others have and I do not, I wrestle with the impending green monster of jealousy, rearing its ugly head as I try to plan things on my own. I have battled with the duality of feeling "complimented" because I must be able to lead a team on my own and feeling "exiled" in a place no one wants to go to so to join me in mission. I have spent the year wrestling with my own insecurities, frustrations, and anger. In the midst of that I have had many people tell me in some way to "get over it." Most, truly, do so encouragingly which I am grateful for - reminding me of who I am, who Jesus is, and that I am not forgotten. But some speak harsher, sending ripples and waves of a past pain through my heart. With words such as "move on" or "I don't see what why you this is still bothering you" remind me of times I was told to move on before I was ready and send through my chest a fear that no one wants to understand my story.

In the midst of all of this, I could feel the frustration growing inside me. The isolation felt overwhelming and it just plain hurt to watch others bond as staff teams that I did not have. I felt left out. I felt I was powerless, like there was nothing to be done about my situation for who would listen to an intern? Would I just then receive a lot of wordy explanations of why there was no other staff to join me? Would I be blown off and told I did not know how things worked? If I expressed any of this would I even been seen or heard? I could not always see that people were, in truth, advocating on my behalf because in this moment I was wrapped in the intensity of the unfairness.

As I express these feelings and raw emotions to my friend, Sol (through her own tears) tells me this is as close to a minority experience I may ever have. The feeling of a crippling powerlessness, the building frustration toward people when they do not see how hard things are for you, the painful phrases of "just get over it"; "why are you so frustrated"; just push through" range from mildly annoying to hurtful to soul damaging. To feel like people don't see you clearly because the painful experience you are trying to explain to them is something they've never lived and they just don't get it.

As I expressed my hurt and my fears, Sol validated two things: 1. That no matter how frustrated I felt, the GLA division had my back. They supported me and wanted me to succeed. They cared about me deeply but the truth was - I was just not feeling that at the moment. 2. This is a small glimpse of what minority students feel their whole lives.

My heart then broke all over again for the painful experiences of my minority brothers and sisters throughout our country. My heart grieved for the damage caused to generations of people whose experiences are still so greatly misunderstood. How could I possible conceive the life my best friend has to live, unable to opt out of thinking about poverty and race and money and culture while I get all the chances to just because I'm white? I have so many privileges I too often take for granted just because I was raised in a higher tax bracket, because my skin is lighter, because my heritage comes from Western Europe.

I don't know if this experience is what Jesus had in mind when he sent me to CSUN. I don't know if it was his plan to send me as staff by myself so that I might wrestle through these questions, so that I might have my own experience where I am unable to "opt out" because it surrounds me every day. I do know it is not a coincidence I am feeling all of this. While being on staff, by myself, in a situation unlike many others, I have seen so much of who Jesus is and his love for the people on the outside and the margins. In fact that is who Jesus sought out first, those who were were on the margins of society and he brought them into his kingdom with an open embrace. It is this that makes me love Jesus all the more. If nothing changes about my staff situation, then so be it, but I cannot let this experience pass me by without changing how I see people, without letting it influence how I do ministry and who we include in our ministry. If want to follow Jesus and model the IV ministry after his, then I must seek out those on the outside, the marginalized, those living in the valleys and not just the mountains.

Awkward Moments

A preview for my Monday Night Fellowship talk:

Jesus invites us to intentionally chose to have awkward moments in order to expose our thinking and gain a kingdom perspective. 

That is not always fun but always so worth.

More on that after next week.

Waves

"It takes very little to raise me me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me."

- Henri Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son