I've decided to train for a
half marathon. Because of that, my friend Claire got me this amazing book called The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances published by the comic,
The Oatmeal. That book got me thinking a lot about running and how it connects with my life. They feel jumbled and kind of all over the place but this is the space I've chosen to work some of them out. So bear with me through the ramble and maybe you'll find something encouraging.
On Sunday I decided for the first time in my life to run without music. Now I love music while I run - it pumps me up, helps me run to a beat, gives me inspiration about how I am as a strong as a coursing river and as fierce as a great typhoon. So naturally I was very nervous about running without any music.
After about 10 seconds of running I was bombarded with a stream of thoughts.
Wow, my legs are not a fan of this. Who came up with this running idea anyway?
Run they said, it would be fun they said. Please.
This is so not my idea of fun.
You know what would be more fun - a nap.
Oooh a nap, I like naps. I'm great at naps.
And pizza! With the nap.
No nap first. Then pizza. That's great!
I'm not great at this running thing.
I'm slow, I'm awkward.
Did that guy just stare at me? Oh great, he knows how bad I am at this.
CRACK! Oh my gosh I almost tripped.
Good, I didn't trip. That would have been bad.
This took up the first 45 second my run. I was hit with all the reasons why I shouldn't be running. How painful it was currently and how painful it was going to get. I felt like I should just give up because lets be real, I'm never going to get any better. But since I had only been running for 45 seconds, I kept going.
I usually get to this point about 20-30 minutes into a run where I'm just done. I have all these same thoughts about how I'm not good at this. I realized that listening to music had not allowed me to overcome these thoughts of quitting, it just put them off for 20 minutes.
But when I faced them head on at the beginning of the run, it hit me. There is literally nothing I can do about this. Running is not natural for me. And yes a nap would be way better. But I want to be healthier and I want to runs this half-marathon so out I go, finishing this damn mile. And by facing thoughts in the first 45 seconds meant that when the 20 minute mark hit, I wasn't overcome by a wave of:
THIS SUCKS. I had already known that and accepted it 19 minutes and 15 seconds ago.
So when I finished my mile, I wasn't really surprised that I did it two minutes faster than I had been running. Distracting myself from the notion of quitting, distracting myself from the mental and physical pain never made it go away but made it feel so much bigger later on. When I faced that right away, that pain never really left. I just learned how to run with it.
This happens in life too. We so easily distract ourselves from pain or the possibility of pain that we are completely unable to deal with it when it comes around. This pain can be past experiences that have damaged us, insecurities we face, fears that creep in, past hurt and broken. Whatever this pain is we are so used to avoiding pain that when the dam breaks and it rushes at us, we crumble, we fall, and we want to quit because it is all too much. But if we had dealt with our pain, our fears, our junk, our mess, whatever you want to call it, early on then maybe we'd know how to deal with it.
When I would run with music and avoid my thoughts of wanting to quit, they just festered and waited until the dam broke. Then they were unbearable and I made decisions based on the pain I felt. I was letting myself be ruled by it. How often do we let ourselves be ruled by the pain in our lives because we've never faced it head on. I don't think we have to conquer it as much as not let our lives be ruled by it.
But if we face our junk in our lives early on, when it comes up, when our insecurities first get realized, when our friends calls that thing out in us, instead of running for the hills - we face that, then I think it becomes easier to handle. When I ran without music I knew when my body was in pain and I needed to walk and rest or when it was my mind playing tricks with me. I was learning how to listen to myself.
Maybe we need to spend more time listening to ourselves as we deal with the mess and brokenness in our lives. Maybe it will make them easier to deal with.
