Storms

For the past three years I have battled off and on with depression and anxiety. I don't talk about this much but this week has affirmed that not talking about it, is only more harmful.

It started after college, when I got my first "real" job as a middle school teacher in San Bernardino. I lasted only six month there because it was full of classroom management problems, kids fighting and cursing in the middle of class, and a principal who was anything but supportive. I dreaded going to work every day. I cried in my principal's office and I was told I was failure. I became sick, depressed, and anxious. I was living in what felt like hell to me. I quit the job because of what it was doing to my physical, emotional, and mental health.

I don't talk about that experience much, because I'm filled with shame about it all. I feel the shame of not being able to handle my first job out of college, filled with shame for failing, filled with shame for quitting.

So I went to counseling, I found a great new job, moved to a new city, and rented new apartment. Working with InterVarsity allowed me to have supervisors who cared for my soul and my leadership development. I got to work with students who chose to be there every day. I didn't dread going into work anymore. I thought that the storm had passed. I could sleep again, I could eat again. I felt like a normal human being.

Still in the midst of all the healing, the storms of depression and anxiety would creep up on me during the years following. I remember one time when I was preparing to teach for our Spring Conference, I got so nervous about being in a classroom like setting again, that I almost threw up the week before we left. I had nightmares and fears about the students talking the whole time I was trying to teach, not listening to me or each other, even throwing things in class. And even know I knew none of those would actually happen, I couldn't stop myself from believing all the lies about how my grown, adult, college students would behave.

Even though I am now three years removed from this San Bernardino teaching experience, I still feel the effects of the anxiety and depression. I still have days when I feel the deep emotions that come with anxiety and depression. When a wave of anxiety crashes over me, it makes even the most mundane decision like what to have for lunch paralyzing. My heart races, my palms sweat, and it feels like a reel of every stupid decision I've made in the past is looping through my head. Then several hours later, peace comes and my heart slows down to normal and its gone. When the clouds of depression press upon me I feel apathetic and sometimes hopeless. I only want to stay in bed and sleep. The cloud weighs down on me and I want to wrap myself inside; to hide from everything and everyone. And then several hours later, the fog has lifted and its gone.

Most days are good. Most months are good. As time has gone on, the amount of depression and anxiety I've felt has been so much less compared to those months back when I was teaching. But some are not. Some days it feels too overwhelming just to even get out of bed. Sometimes I find it hard to pray because I doubt whether God could hear me in this mess I'm in. I wonder why God would allow this kind of emotional storm to happen in the first place. I doubt God's goodness, because surely a good God wouldn't allow people to face things like depression and anxiety.

In the midst of this emotional storm, I'm reminded of when the disciples where Jesus and disciples are stuck in a physical storm. They are out on the sea and a massive storm comes upon them. Waves crashing down on their boat, water everywhere, so strong, so overwhelming. Filled with panic and fear, they rush down to where they last saw Jesus, only to find him asleep. Voices shaking they exclaim: "Teacher! Do you not care if we drown?! Do you not care if we perish!?" Just when they feel as if Jesus has abandoned them, he calms the storms. The rain ceases, the waves calm down, and the boat comes to a still.

Depression and anxiety feels much like this storm. It comes out of nowhere and feels so overwhelming that it is almost paralyzing. That's what the past few days have been for me. A storm of depression and anxiety and it appears as if Jesus is nowhere to be found. The emotional storm carries on outside but where is Jesus? Does he not care that if I drown?

In the midst of all the emotional storms, the depression, the anxiety, I have to remind myself that Jesus does in fact care. In Deuteronomy God affirms that, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; not be discouraged." I don't know why the emotional storms of depression and anxiety still come even three years later. I do not know if they will ever go away. But what I do know is that Jesus has not abandoned me to drown in this. I do know that Jesus promises to bring me to the other side. And even though it may feel like Jesus is asleep, I know that he will come and calm the storm.

Breakthrough (30 Days of Gratitude)

There was a time in my life, years ago, when I thought I would never recover from the pain of quitting my teaching job. There was a time when I thought I would never shed the identity of a failure, of a quitter, of a mistake. There was a time when I thought I would never be good enough to do anything right again. Those times were seasons of incredible and overwhelming breakdown. It was a time filled with fear and pain and a struggle to find where was Jesus in the mess.

Jesus meets us always in the mess of our breakdowns. Always. In Mark 9 the disciples attempt to cast out a demon from a boy plagued by the spirit since he was a young child. They were unable to do so which caused the disciples to breakdown and fall apart. They argued with the crowd, they were afraid, they were confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed because something they were supposed to do - they couldn't. In short they felt like failures. Jesus heals the boy, restores him to his own self, and brings restoration to this family. But the disciples are left wondering - "why couldn't we cast it out?"

I identify with this disciples in this passage because I have often asked - "why couldn't I make it as a teacher?" I was a full time teacher for only 7 months before quitting and there are times when the remnants of shame remain. Immediately after quitting I sought prayer to be healed from the painful experiences during and the after effects of quitting. While I have not remained overpowered or overtaken by the shame, there are times when it returns. There are times when the shame of having quit something because I was not good enough to complete it sneaks its way into my vulnerable heart and mind. There are times when I let the enemy's lies about myself take root in my heart. 

And it happened yesterday when I returned to the city I used to teach in. I didn't even stop in the city, I merely drove through it but all the feelings of powerlessness, of shame, of fear, of pain, of judgement, of failures, of insecurities came flooding back so it was like feeling them in full all over again. It was like being hit by a truck of emotion and I had no idea it would be so powerful. I was afraid and ready to breakdown all over again. But Jesus began to meet me. As I felt the lies, I could hear Jesus affirming his truth in my heart at the same time. Jesus reminded me of the hope, of the the truth, of the promise that relying on him can bring. 

For the disciples Jesus wanted to meet them and do the same - bring breakthrough. Jesus said that kind of spirit could only be cast out through prayer - only through a consistent and intimate relationship with the father could that kind of demon be cast out. There is hope for a breakthrough of intimacy between Jesus and the disciples as they being to see that not through their own power and strength do they perform miracles, but through a reliance on the father. 

With Jesus there is hope. With Jesus there is not breakdown but breakthrough. There is hope for any who are weary and tired of the breakdowns that Jesus will rush to us and meet us with breakthrough.  When we let our old selves breakdown - our pride, our fears, our baggage, our pain, the stuff we are holding onto - when we empty ourselves of it all, Jesus will rush to fill it with himself, with his power, with his spirit so God can do an amazing work through us. 

I am thankful breakdowns lead us to Jesus. I am grateful Jesus is always waiting, always ready to embrace us and usher me into breakthrough, into peace, hope, power, community, and intimacy with him. I thankful painful situations are always used for God's glory - even if we have no idea how that will happen. I'm thankful that when I forget this, when I feel overwhelmed by the breakdown, that friends, pastors (Devon - I mean you), and scripture will remind me of the faithfulness of our God. Because as we let our selves breakdown, Jesus begins to breakthrough - like light bursting forth from the darkness and nothing can thus contain it. 

In Remembrance

It was two years ago that I found out my master teacher from Santa Maria High School Trishawna Quarles passed away in childbirth. She was a huge influence on me, who taught me a lot of how to relate to students, how to challenge and impact them, and how to never let circumstances dictate your life. Her death was one of the hardest to deal with and that came at such a difficult time in my own life as well.

My soul is feeling the grief again, remembering how I found out about her death, that she died in childbirth, bringing the son she prayed so hard to get into the world, and dying moments later. My soul is full of grief again for her loss in our lives. Even though I knew her for a short time, so much of what she did when I was her student teacher left a lasting impression on me.

School Discipline

I stumbled across this article via Facebook and I thought it was amazing. Click the picture below to be taken to the article. Read the article first and then my thoughts about it below.

The principal actually treats high schoolers age appropriate. He doesn't treat them as inferior people but he also recognizes that they may not have the skills to handle some of the stuff that these teens go through so he provides them the skills to do that. Sometimes in schools we hit the extremes of treating high schoolers like an invalid or too much like an adult, expecting them to process things beyond their capabilities. 

Second, he works with students who have a large amount of trauma in their lives and recognizes that their behavior may indicators of much more than just "acting out in class." The school focuses on that students' behavior indicates something is wrong outside of the classroom and seeks to give them tools to deal with in inside the classroom. Instead of punishing bad behavior solely, they give students tools to deal with when complex, frustrating, traumatizing experiences enter into the classroom (and the future work place). 

Third, punishment was not removed. It came secondary to checking in with the student. I appreciated that the principal looked at students' misbehavior in class as an indicator that something was wrong. Teachers and principals first inquired into that, then punished the behavior. In many ways, it seperates the behavior from the person itself. When a person is only identified by their behavior, especially a negative one, it develops a terrible self image and rarely improves the behavior (which is what happens in much of our pulic school systems today). 

Yes, this was a risk for him to do. His approach to discipline is the exact opposite of what we have seen in schools in our country. There is a clear theme that suspension and other high consequences for behavior go down when teachers, principals, and adults treat students with respect and dignity. I have seen schools that won't need to implement such a striking policy because they already treat their students as such and therefore suspensions are already at a low. But for schools that rely heavily on kicking students out of class at the first sign of misbehavior may have to rethink their discipline policies. 

Life to the Full

This weekend marks the anniversary of two very important markers in my life. The first being when I rededicated my life to Christ in 2007. The second being when I quit my teaching job in 2012.

Both had a huge impact on my life and very much set me to the place that I am today. Rededicating my life was the start of a journey of healing, of restoration, and of passion for my faith, for Jesus, for community, and for so much more. I have a heart for the city because of this event. I have a heart for the broken and the hurting because of that moment when I decided to actually follow Christ rather than just get a ticket into heaven.

Quitting my teaching job was the start of a breakdown that eventaully lead to some of the most powerful breakthroughs of my adult life. It was very much a restart and a re-experiecning the same healing, restoration, and passion that I God instilled in me back when I was 19. It was the beginning of my transformation as an adult, having to choose again to follow where Christ would lead me - even into the hardship and painful aspect of healing.

As I head into a new season with InterVarsity as a staff, a new place in Northridge I am reminded of God's faithfulness to bring healing, restoration, and life into the places I once thought were dead. For "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Happiness (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today was the second time in a few weeks I've been told how much happier I look. This is a big deal for people to say this to me. One year ago I was a teacher at a middle school and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I quit back in February for a multitude of reasons and it has been a long and ongoing journey to recover from what I went through there.

But I am thankful that job is over. I am thankful to be free from the disfunction and the torment. I am thankful I have a job I love, even though it is far from easy. I am thankful I can wake up every morning and the biggest success of the day was not getting out of bed. I am thankful for having the life back in me and for the joy returning to my soul. And I am thankful people are noticing how much happier I do look.

Yes, working for InterVarsity as intern staff is not an easy job by far, but it is a challenge I look forward to and I know I can grow from. I am thankful I have been given a chance to not just be redeemed from the brokenness of the year but to heal and thrive into something better.

Redemption (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am thankful for Tom Allen, our regional direction (essentially my boss's boss). After my time in teaching I have a really hard time receiving written (and even sometimes verbal) feedback. I know how important it is but since I was so used to receiving negative reviews that almost cut to the core of who I was, every time I receive an "evaluation" I start to panic. I am thankful for Tom Allen's gracious words of wisdom, where there were no negatives, only areas of improvement, and he began by finding serious positives in the talk I gave. I am grateful even God is beginning to redeem every aspect of my life - from giving me students who actually listen when I talk and what to engage with what I have for them, with supervisors who care about my own personal well being, and with evaluators who look what what I actually do well and give suggestions in order to help me improve, knowing I am already faithful to do a good job.

Success and Failure

Let me preface this blog post by saying I am not writing all this about success and failure because I have it all figured out. It is a process that I am working through. I will still be working through for a long time. The scars and wounds I have from this past year (since August) are still fresh, beginning slowly to heal. And thinking about this helps.

The book, Theirs is the Kingdom by Robert Lupton, is a fantastic book about Lupton's move to inner-city Atlanta. In this series of vignettes (short stories), Lupton has family share how the city and its people taught them much about love, Jesus, service, poverty, and riches. I was skimming through the book the other day when I came across this story about a mission venture, which ultimately failed miserably.

"What went wrong? Why did we so miserably fail when our motives, our mission, our plans were all of high quality? Did we not listen carefully enough to God's Spirit?"

I used this quote almost two years go in a while sending summer updates from my mission trip in Fresno. At the time I was feeling like mission trips were a success or a failure, never realizing life, well the missional Christian life, cannot be categorized into such black and white boxes. But when I re-read the update, and put it into the context of my current life, I was nearly moved to tears.

Back in February I had to quit my job as a middle school teacher. I entered the profession with high quality motives, desires, missions, and plans but it was not enough to carry me through to the end of the year. Long before February, I felt I had miserably failed at my job. There were many complicated reasons for my departure that I will not say publicly over the internet. I was treated wrongly and neglected, I felt insure and made mistakes, I faced failure head on when I quit, feeling somehow I had disobeyed God and that is why the year turned out so poor.

I wondered what I had done to displease God so much. I wondered if I misheard God's call. But everything came so easy when moving to San Bernardino. Within a month I had a full time job, an inexpensive apartment close to my school, two amazing roommates, and all without hassle or stress. Wasn't all of this a sign to move forward? But then what happened in between? Was I not a good enough teacher? Was I not trained well? Was I not passionate enough? And why, with all my good motives and heart, why did God let this happen to me?

Behind all of my questioning was the subtle heresy that "God will prosper any endeavor that is done according to this will. The corollary its that whatever fails was somehow done contrary to His intentions. The error in this assumption is perfect communion with God assures flawless performance of his will." Ha! I have to laugh a little bit because this is ridiculous to think I will ever have perfect communion with God while still a sinful human. Neither perfect communion nor flawless performance is possible for us human beings.

Success, ministry success that is, I have learned, has little to do with the performance of God's will. Sometimes the best of intentions and motives goes terribly wrong and the plan or project doesn't work the way intended. Sometimes poor motives and selfish desires turns into an amazing chance for God to reveal his true grace and power. Sometimes we fail because of our sin, shortsightedness, or stupidity and we must learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we fail because of someone else's failure or sin and must learn how to give grace. Sometimes there is no one to blame, there was too much or too little rain and in these cases, there is no corrective lesson to be learned.

Success is not an automatic consequence of obedience. In Proverbs it says,  “A righteous man falls seven times and rises again” (24:16). Even Noah, who obeyed God's call to build an ark, had to to live for 140 days in a box of pooping animals. God never told Noah when the rain would stop, only that it would. Noah had no idea if would be in the ark for 10 days, 50 days, 140 days, or years and years. Failure is not an automatic consequence of disobedience. Many of the 12 disciples basically failed out of Jewish school, they were not good enough to be chosen to follow a rabbi before Jesus came. It wasn't because they weren't disobedient, God had other plans for them.

We have a dependable God who made a trustworthy commitment that no matter what happens - success or failure - he will use it for our ultimate good and the Kingdom's ultimate good. And while my year was a terrible one, one I would deem a total failure, I know in God's eyes, there is good. God sees me for who I am, not as a failed teacher, not as a mistake, but as a loved (albeit wounded) daughter. And that, brings me hope that I was obedient in his call.Let me preface this blog post by saying I am not writing all this about success and failure because I have it all figured out. It is a process that I am working through. I will still be working through for a long time. The scars and wounds I have from this past year (since August) are still fresh, beginning slowly to heal. And thinking about this helps.

The book, Theirs is the Kingdom by Robert Lupton, is a fantastic book about Lupton's move to inner-city Atlanta. In this series of vignettes (short stories), Lupton has family share how the city and its people taught them much about love, Jesus, service, poverty, and riches. I was skimming through the book the other day when I came across this story about a mission venture, which ultimately failed miserably.

"What went wrong? Why did we so miserably fail when our motives, our mission, our plans were all of high quality? Did we not listen carefully enough to God's Spirit?"

I used this quote almost two years go in a while sending summer updates from my mission trip in Fresno. At the time I was feeling like mission trips were a success or a failure, never realizing life, well the missional Christian life, cannot be categorized into such black and white boxes. But when I re-read the update, and put it into the context of my current life, I was nearly moved to tears.

Back in February I had to quit my job as a middle school teacher. I entered the profession with high quality motives, desires, missions, and plans but it was not enough to carry me through to the end of the year. Long before February, I felt I had miserably failed at my job. There were many complicated reasons for my departure that I will not say publicly over the internet. I was treated wrongly and neglected, I felt insure and made mistakes, I faced failure head on when I quit, feeling somehow I had disobeyed God and that is why the year turned out so poor.

I wondered what I had done to displease God so much. I wondered if I misheard God's call. But everything came so easy when moving to San Bernardino. Within a month I had a full time job, an inexpensive apartment close to my school, two amazing roommates, and all without hassle or stress. Wasn't all of this a sign to move forward? But then what happened in between? Was I not a good enough teacher? Was I not trained well? Was I not passionate enough? And why, with all my good motives and heart, why did God let this happen to me?

Behind all of my questioning was the subtle heresy that "God will prosper any endeavor that is done according to this will. The corollary its that whatever fails was somehow done contrary to His intentions. The error in this assumption is perfect communion with God assures flawless performance of his will." Ha! I have to laugh a little bit because this is ridiculous to think I will ever have perfect communion with God while still a sinful human. Neither perfect communion nor flawless performance is possible for us human beings.

Success, ministry success that is, I have learned, has little to do with the performance of God's will. Sometimes the best of intentions and motives goes terribly wrong and the plan or project doesn't work the way intended. Sometimes poor motives and selfish desires turns into an amazing chance for God to reveal his true grace and power. Sometimes we fail because of our sin, shortsightedness, or stupidity and we must learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we fail because of someone else's failure or sin and must learn how to give grace. Sometimes there is no one to blame, there was too much or too little rain and in these cases, there is no corrective lesson to be learned.

Success is not an automatic consequence of obedience. In Proverbs it says,  “A righteous man falls seven times and rises again” (24:16). Even Noah, who obeyed God's call to build an ark, had to to live for 140 days in a box of pooping animals. God never told Noah when the rain would stop, only that it would. Noah had no idea if would be in the ark for 10 days, 50 days, 140 days, or years and years. Failure is not an automatic consequence of disobedience. Many of the 12 disciples basically failed out of Jewish school, they were not good enough to be chosen to follow a rabbi before Jesus came. It wasn't because they weren't disobedient, God had other plans for them.

We have a dependable God who made a trustworthy commitment that no matter what happens - success or failure - he will use it for our ultimate good and the Kingdom's ultimate good. And while my year was a terrible one, one I would deem a total failure, I know in God's eyes, there is good. God sees me for who I am, not as a failed teacher, not as a mistake, but as a loved (albeit wounded) daughter. And that, brings me hope that I was obedient in his call.

One Hundred

I have been thinking about this post for quite some time. This marks the historic 100th post of this blog, that I started back in 2011. I began it right after I finished my first ever online blog, Tre. Sei. Cinque, which is Three.Six.Five in Italian. It was my photo a day blog (go ahead, and give it a look see).

So for the 100th post, I have decided to make a list (I really do love lists) of my top 100 things I have done/learned since I started this blog. They are in the order that they come to my mind...

1. Always call a few days in advance to set up the water for your house before you move in. 
2. Pintrest is amazing but can suck you in to hours of time consumption. Be aware.
3. Knowing the weather ahead of time can be your best friend - find a good program to check your daily weather.
4. Take lots of photo adventures with friends.
5. Try to arrange your sickness during breaks and holidays so your mom can take care of you.
6. Kids carry germs. Lots of them. Sanitize and take your vitamins regularly.
7. Performance doesn't mean worth. It is, however, a challenge to believe this of yourself and others.
8. AAA baseball games are amazing and cheaper alternatives to professional games. 
9. Not planning can lead to some fantastic things.
10. Pigeons hold grudges. 
11. Fusion food made look scary but is secretly awesome.
12. Everybody needs a second chance because first impressions aren't always correct.
13. Photography can be such a blessing to others, but mostly to myself.
14. Sandwiches are best done in San Luis Obispo, High Street, Gus's, Konas....
15. Audio books make commutes more than tolerable but enjoyable.
16. The phone is an amazing invention, and I never appreciated it until it became a lifeline to maintain long distance friendships. 
17. Long distance friendships are full of confusion, frustration, and high phone bills. But are also full of God's grace. 
18. Sometimes you have laugh, otherwise you'll cry. But sometimes you just need to cry. 
19. My body will never get used to waking up 5:30 am. 
20. Strength Finder is just as good (if not better) that Myers-Briggs. 
21. Pho 75# 2 is the best Pho place ever. 
22. A child sitting on your lap is better than most expsensive therapy. 
23. Transitions from college to adult is one of the hardest transitions to make. 
24. When looking for a good place to eat, choose a place with the longest line. It probably has the best food. 
25. Joy is not always immediate and sometimes you have try to find it. 
26. The power of the cross is something that we should meditate on daily, not just at easter time. 
27. "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me,' For she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."-  Genesis 16:13
28. Memorizing scripture is one of the best things you can do for yourself. 
29. The best things aren't always done in the conventional way. 
30. Entering a contest can't hurt. You could win a car. Or in my case, a snuggie. 
31. There is never not a bad time for scones. 
32. Forgiving others is not a feeling, it's a choice. 
33. No amount of pre-sleep will ever prepare you for the pain of an all-nighter when you are an adult. 
34. Enjoy the local coffee shops, bars, and bookstores. Even if they aren't actually local to you, they are local to someone. 
35. Know how to disarm your smoke detector. And quickly. 
36. Don't eat all sugary foods all day. It will make you feel like a crazy person. To remedy: eat some eggs or something with salt. 
37. Be excited about the small things. And make a get psyched mix if you need help. 
38. When throwing up, aim for the toilet. If you puke in the sink, you will have to clean it up eventually.
39. Despite might what I may wish, my hair will not truly accommodate bangs the way I want them to. 
40. People admire you when you admit your flaws. 
41. It is appropriate to applaud after airport security finally shuts off a 40 minute beeping alarm. Be warned, it may confuse new comers to the terminal. 
42. Even after our teenage years, much to all of our disappointment, people are still driven by the opinions of others. 
43. Cheerleading can make for a surprisingly good musical with the right writers. 
44. Fries are always meant for sharing. Especially fries from The Hat. 
45. When dressing up for Jr. High students, go big or go home. 
46. "Sometimes you have to have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself." - Blue Like Jazz.
47. Keep calm and eat more ice cream. 
48. Money is stressful when you don't have enough. It is even more stressful when you have more than plenty and try to spend it well. You buy more crap that you don't need. 
49. It is still cool to built a fort when you are an adult. 
50. When people don't respond on the phone, it could mean they are listening intently. It could also mean, they are falling asleep. It is always ok to ask if they are still there. 
51. Drinks are complimentary in first class. And the stewardess will look at you weird when you giggle at this. 
52. I am not exempt from hardship just because of my faith in God. (When God Lets you Down.)
53. Take risks. 
54. The Lord is enough and is greater than the things that I lack. 
55. Bing is the new search engine of choice. 
56. Embarrassment lingers for a moment but shame roots itself in deep. If left undealt with, it becomes a part of your identity. 
57. Be extra nice to people who serve you (waitresses, cleaning crews, stewardesses, etc) because then they will go out of their way to help you. 
58. Sometimes the place you want to be the least is right where you are supposed to be. 
59. Stage Manager should really be Stage Mother. 
60. Want to make actors work better and stay on task - feed them.
61. "The miracle of grace is not that God stops the storms of life. The miracle of grace is that he is willing to stay in the boat with us during the storms of life." - When God Lets you Down.  
62. Our anger is often misplaced, not at the one who is absent, but at the one who is present. 
63. If plan "A" doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 
64. You can have more than one favorite student. But NEVER tell them who your favorites actually are. 
65. Celebrate the good years with people who have them. It means that they will celebrate with you when yours finally come around. 
66. At age 25, you don't have to have everything figured out.
67. Don't work for people who make you miserable. The paycheck isn't worth it and you still have time to find the job that you love.
68. There is no need to rush dating and marriage. Spend time maintaining the close friendships of people around you. 
69. When moving to a new place, don't spend all your time church-hopping. Figure out what you must have from a church, what you would like but can live without, and what is not necessary. Pick one that fits the best. No church will be perfect but you need to be in community somewhere. 
70. Counseling is an amazing resource and more people should do it.
71. Practice spiritual disciplines like fasting, memorizing scripture, listening prayer, etc. 
72. Volunteer at places. Many places. 
73. Learn how to cook more than just pasta and Top Ramen. Then learn how to cook eggs other than just scrambled and chicken grilled. 
74. Even the young can start a revolution. 
75. The best way to get to know someone is let them take you to their favorite restaurant or cook their favorite meal. Food bonds people. 
76. Sometimes we need to waste our lives for God and to worship him. 
77. When you shut people out of your life, you are risking that they will take the hint and stay away. Be vulnerable with the people that matter to you. 
78. Dress up and let people compliment your outfits. 
79. Wear clothes you love, no matter what people say about them. 
80. "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." - Psalm 40: 1-3. 
81. Spend time thinking about all the things in your life that definitely didn't happen by chance. 
82. Staying positive doesn't have to be overly bubbly and pink, but it is seeing that there is more to your situation than the here and now. 
83. People do see you when you sing loudly in the car. But their looks just mean they are jealous they aren't blasting their favorite musical. 
84. No matter how many you seem to buy, bobby pins and hair ties always seem to disappear within minutes of opening them. 
85. There are times when you may have to be in a box of crap. 
86. Looking at something close up can bring revelation. 
87. Clean your oven regularly. And regularly is not once every six months. 
88. It is ok to doubt God. Questioning means you are seeking real answers. Just don't stay in that land forever. Let God answer you. 
89. When making a difficult decision, take a false step into it. Try it on for a while and see how it fits before you commit. 
90. Don't let college students get a hold of your hats. Sometimes you don't get them back. Sometimes they play "keep away" from you as if you were back in elementary school. 
91. Be aware of your expectations. If you are holding tightly to a way something is done, God may want to challenge that. 
92. Visit the places you love frequently. You often don't realize how much you love a place until you can't go there. 
93. When you are in college you can miss a lot of sleep each week. When you become an working adult, even missing a few hours of sleep is a death sentence. 
94. Give yourself into what do you love. Your passion will bless others. 
95. We sometimes need to sit in the reality of our own sin, it makes us realize how amazing and necessary that Jesus redeems us. 
96. Nerf wars are always a great idea. 
97. Always know what time it is when you are having a late night conversation. Being loud at 2am is much different than being loud at 10pm. People generally don't enjoy laughter at 2am. 
98. God's kingdom is an upside down one where the king's throne was a cross, where he uses the incompetent for his purposes, and he redeems rather than condemns
99. Sometimes it is best when we don't totally fit in, when we are an astronaut in a robot invasion. 
100. 100 is a really large number and writing a blog post about 100 things you learned is a much larger feat than anticipated... next time I'll do it after only 50. 

A Grace Before 9 am, A Grace Before Noon, a Grace Before Dark (Joy Dare)

Joy Dare Day 26

before 9 am: slight sleeping in. On Thursdays we have professional development day and it means a late start for the students. They don't have to be at school until 9:30 but I get 10 minutes more of sleeping in, which is the best gift I could ever receive.

before noon: having a sink in my classroom. At first I thought this was a disaster because my students and I have a lot of tension about how often they are allowed to get a drink from it. But I have realized how much of a blessing it is for me because I fill up my water bottle at least four times a day. I drink a lot of water every day and it is a real blessing to be able to fill it up so many times rather than twice a day. Now that does create a slight bathroom problem though... :(

before dark: a roommate cooking dinner. One of the things that I've loved about being with my roommates is that we cook dinner for each other. We each take one day every week to cook dinner for each other. It has been such a blessing not to have to deal with cooking for myself every day. It is the ideal cooking situation and I have been unbelievably blessed by it.

Time (Teaching Reflections 2)

Hard to believe that August is almost over. Time seems to have stopped in a way and all the days blend together. Wake up early, go to school. See about 150 students a day. Try to keep their names straight and not call Johnny, Steven or Emily, Susan. Figure out new ways to get the class to quiet down and not cry when the floor is a mess by the end of the day. Come home, take a break, eat dinner, freak out that tomorrow is not planned and do some grading. Go to bed (later than advisable) and sleep ok. Wake up the next morning and start over.

It will be a miracle if teaching doesn't kill me by the end of the year. I've never been so tired. I was warned the first year was hard. I wonder if the first year at every new job is like this. I doubt it.

Teaching Update

I feel like I have dropped of the face of the world for the past several weeks since I've started teaching. I am adjusted to my new life in San Bernardino, my new full time job as a middle school teacher, and waking up at 6 am (if not earlier) every day. I am so far adjusting pretty well to all except the waking up early part.

Here a few details about my school so far: I teach at Cesar E. Chavez Middle School which is grades 6-8. I teach 7th Grade English Language Arts. Our school is also an International Baccalaureate School that has a Middle Years Program (which is the program for grades 6-10... we only work on grades 6-8 and the partner high school, Cajon, does 9-10). It has many specific focuses on created students as lifelong learners, problem solvers, and many other things that I am still learning.

My school is 71% Latino, 15% White, and 8% African American. Compared to Santa Maria (which was about 85% Latino, 10% White, and 1% African American) this school is a bit more diverse. 25% of the school are English Language Learners and almost 80% have free or reduced lunch.

I teach 2 Middle Years Program (MYP) classes which are like honors classes. I also teach 2 English Core classes that have a Support Class attached to them (so they become a blocked class). I have a wide variety of students, which I love.

Stay tuned for less facts and more feelings, and pictures.

Job

This isn't going to sound artsy or cool but imagine a little kid jumping around her room and screaming "I got a job! I got a job! I got a job!" over and over again so that her parents come in and tell her to keep it down.

Ok that didn't really happen but it's what my soul feels like. But it is quickly replaced with a sense of relief that I will be employed next year (as an English teacher - it's a miracle). I will be working at a middle school in San Bernardino (middle school being my first choice).

Now I'm filled with a slight sense of panic when I realize how much I have to do before school starts in a month.... bah!

The Favorites Competition

I was walking by a group of my students from different periods when one student flags me down...

"Ms M. did you grade my poetry book yet?" - Student One 

"Yes I did, it was very well done." - Me

"It was the best wasn't it." - Student One

"She probably hasn't read mine yet though." - Student Two. 

"Ms. M, I'm your favorite student right?" - Student One

"Of my many favorites, you three are among them." - Me

"Yes but you can only have one ABSOLUTE favorite, and clearly that's me!" - Student Three

Love Poem to PACT

A love Haiku in honor of PACT: 

Twitching eye started 

Chinese food in library

PACT how I love you 

Lessons I Learned from My Students

For one of my classes my teacher had us think about how what lessons our students have taught us. These were the three that I came up with.

1. My students have taught me how to listen to those that don’t speak. When my students are quiet, they still have words to say and are so much harder to hear than those who shout. I have to listen closely to see what those typically quiet students are saying to me through how they sit or when they look up at the board.

2. My students have taught me how to communicate better. I learned from my students how important it is to let them know why they are doing something. When they understand their purpose, they engage so much more. I also learned from them how important it is to be clear and say what I mean the first time. Students don’t respond well when they don’t understand what you are trying to say. Their life is often full of confusion and muddiness and I can be one of the few people in their life who speaks clarity.

3. My students have taught me that performance doesn’t mean worth. While this seems like something you teach students, my students that don’t put in a lot of effort continue to challenge me in seeing them as worthy students, who have value inside and outside the classroom. Even when they don’t turn in assignments or do poorly on them, this does not make them bad people. I know this deep down but it is still a challenge to see students as worthy even when they are “failing” a class.

Student Teaching Reflections: Part 3

It's been a while since I've posted a reflection about student teaching and a lot has happened since my last few reflections. Here is what I have been thinking about while I'm student teaching. I hope to look back at these some day and see how far I have come from my initial fears and frustrations. I doubt many of them will change but how I see them may be different.

I have been realizing how strongly I take things personally. When a student doesn't turn in work, has a poor attitude, acts out, or even is just plain disrespectful - I take it as a personal attack on me. It's as if I believe that their behavior is directed towards me and I am the root cause of their misbehavior. I'm not sure if this goes away as a experience enters but I am not sure, for me at least, it will ever leave. I have been like this since I was a bible study leader - I would somewhat take it personally when my study members wouldn't come to study. This can be really hard on a leader/teacher but there are some positive side affects. To get here - I have to put in a lot of energy caring for my students. Because what this means is that I care very much how my students see me, see the class, and see each other. If I didn't care so much then I wouldn't take it so personally when they don't show up.

I'm not sure I fully want these feelings to go away. If they do, I may mean that I'm beginning to become apathetic towards my students' performance and attitudes. But I also don't want to care so much that I become overworked and overwhelmed here. There has got to be a balance instead of swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. I don't like being on extremes - but then again I guess that is a lot of who I am - I'm not really a middle of the road kind of person. I guess it is something to figure out as I go.

PACT

This is the reason I have not been blogging as much lately. It is a 60-80 page paper with video clips and other insanity that I have been working on since the end of January. Seriously it takes up almost all of my free time (what little I have of it). It will be done in March so never fear - I will be back... maybe.

Student Teaching Reflections Week 2

So this is long overdue but here are my reflections from second week of student teaching.

My two classes are the polar opposite of each other. In the first block, my sophomores work hard to distract me, get me off topic, and enjoy having side conversations and any give moment. They are hard to keep focused and sometimes drive me up a wall. I got to my second block, my freshman, I have to pull teeth to get them to say anything. And even when they do speak, they do it so quietly that I have to ask them several times to speak up!

I learned a valuable lesson about communication this week. One of CT’s and I were on separate pages this week. He was under the impression that I would start lead teaching in the middle of the week but I was just going to teach the class under his lesson plan. When we realized that there wasn’t really a lesson plan prepared we had to scramble to get things done. It was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I don’t like feeling unprepared at all.

It's not as detailed as week one, probably because this is two weeks overdue and I am having a hard time remembering what happened during that week. More updates coming soon.

Student Teaching Reflections: Week One

I just finished my first week at Santa Maria High School where I teach freshman and sophomores and believe me when I say, it feels more like a month has gone by than just a week.

Here is the conclusion that I have come to: teaching is one of the hardest professions that exist. I have now become responsible for at least forty 14-16 year olds in a short time (and when I become a full time teacher it will be more like 120 students). And I'm not even that mature myself but now I must muster every mature and responsible bone in my body to lead these students. What I'm finding the hardest to do is to keep composure in the classroom when my life outside the classroom seems to be a mess. For example, this whole week I've been getting a lot less sleep because of waking up so early and driving and work and Cal Poly classes - it just adds up to a lot of brain space and little restful sleep. Usually when I don't get a lot of sleep I become grumpy and frustrated but the moment I set foot on the high school grounds, I have to put all that aside for a few hours a day. These students look to me, as their teacher, to be a source of stability and consistency that they may or may not have home. I have to be dependable and on point every day because as a teenager, their own lives are crazy enough as it is.

What I've learned in InterVarsity is completely the opposite. I've always been told to be vulnerable and be open and honest with my struggles. It has been very difficult to watch these mind sets come clashing up against one another. Because high school is not InterVarsity and my students are not the audience for my own personal problems. I can be the audience for theirs, but they need not gain extra burdens in their life. It is a balance that I am learning to navigate and will still have to learn years past student teaching. This is where I take a deep breath and I'm thankful for three day weekends to catch up on sleep.