Birthday

Today is my birthday. I typically love birthdays. I'm the one who usually thinks about my birthday a full month in advance. I love having parties but as a December birthday, parties are quite difficult to come by. Well it's that there are just too many parties happening that trying to fit a birthday celebration in the midst of them is never easy. I have had some great celebrations, I loved having friends over last year to eat pizza and watch Fast and the Furious, or when my students took ice skating, or when my college roommate planned me a surprise 21st birthday party.

But this year I wasn't ready to celebrate. I wasn't afraid of turning 28. I've actually been kind of excited to be in my late 20's. I just wasn't in the celebratory mood. A small part of me wanted to skip over my birthday because the last several months have been hard. There were things from this year that I just didn't want to celebrate. But in the midst of the hard things, there were many things worth celebrating - things that have brought me great joy. So on my birthday, as I turn 28 years old, here are 28 different things in which I am grateful for:

1. New friendships. 
2. Friends who sacrificed their time, their energy, and their sleep to be with me.
3. Travel and adventures. 
4. Encouraging text messages and phones calls 
5. Beds that are comfortable and safe 
6. Family and friends that might as well be family
7. Therapy 
8. Students who take risks and are open to Jesus transforming them 
9. Being outside! Hiking and long walks, going to the mountains and the beach 
10. Books and books and more books 
11. Beer 
12. Star Wars! 
13. Sharpie pens and journals 
14. Words that greet you like a friend
15. Donuts 
16. Mentors and supervisors who lead and develop me 
17. Easting, laughing, talking, and staying way too long at restaurants 
18. Running 
19. Thoughtful gifts and gestures 
20. Music 
21. Boba
22. Friends who let you rant, yell, cry, laugh, and sit in silence 
23. Travel and adventures 
24. Cameras for capturing beautiful scenes 
25. Scripture 
26. Watching movies with friends 
27. Hope for the future 
28. Another year of life

Gratitude

These past few months have had a lot of unexpected difficulties. Some external, some internal but it's made it difficult for me to sit and write. I had dinner with an old friend today where we talked about writing and the great things it does for us in our lives. And I realized how infrequently I have been blogging lately. And not that I have a large readership that needs to hear every thought (but thanks Mom for still reading this!) but it's good for me. Good to be vulnerable, to be honest, to practice writing and continue to develop this skill, and to just sit down and be still for a moment.

So in this season of difficult moments I feel it's best to just share a few things that I am grateful for in this season:

• I'm grateful for music and an iTunes account full of the music I need to move my soul. 
• I'm grateful for friends who challenge me, who affirm me, who sit with me in moments of silence when I feel too much, who pray for me when I text them, who give me hugs (even when they don't like giving hugs), who listen to me ramble on while I verbal vomit, and who would be there for me whenever I need them. 
• For hard situations that force me to rely on Jesus and challenge me to be a better leader. 
• For a church that worships in such a deep way that I can feel it tangibly every time I go. 
• For a supervisor who since day one was in my corner and on my team. Who told me exactly what I needed to do and was always my advocate. 
• For all my students - every single one of them - who teach me daily to love others as Jesus loved others. 
• For parents who support my ministry and my vocation because I know who rare that can be in my line of work. 
• For a God who is loves me more than I can ever understand - who is crazy about me and wants to spend time with me, who speaks to me and sits with me, and who has never abandoned me. 
• For a car that can take me places where I need to go and for a place of consistent safety for me. 
• For a phone that connects to me friends who live far away or who are far away for the moment. For text messages, voicemails, and phone calls. 
• For books and stories that inspire me and challenge me. For language that speaks to the soul in ways I could never really articulate and for the magic within. 

So for the many people and the many things I am grateful for, I can end this night (or start this morning depending on how you look at it) with a full heart.

Fresno (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am thankful for the city of Fresno and all that I have seen, heard, and learned from this city. It was here in 2007, when I attended the Fresno Urban Internship where I learned about God's heart for the poor, to fight injustice, his love for the city. It was in this city where God began a work in me to purse reconciliation on all levels. It was in this city where I learned so much of who I was, who God is, and how to love others. It was in this city in 2010 where I met my best friend and twin, Sol. It was through the things I learned here that propelled me to come on InterVarsity staff.

I owe much of who I have grown to be over the past six and half years because I first came to this city in a hot summer in 2007. And I will be eternally grateful.

Gratitude Snorkel #4 (30 Days of Gratitude)

Spending time in Fresno has been the best thing of my week. I'm so grateful to be here in my other home and with my best friend. Many of the other things I'm grateful for this week are:

• Days off of work 
• Lunch adventures with Coral and Jenel and plotting to sing karaoke at Islands 
• CD's and music to drive to during traffic  
• Pho, singing in the rain, beer, and the twin
• Chicken instead of Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
• Successfully making our own Thanksgiving dinner for the first time
• Eating Thanksgiving leftovers 
• Relaxing to fun movies and TV shows 
• Sleeping in 
• Visiting my favorite places - Teazers, Peeve's, and more 
• Photography, golden hour, and fallen leaves
• "Lake Side Story" - seeing a goose turf war in action (and the hilarity that ensued) 
• Spending lots of quality time with my best friend

Friendsgiving (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am thankful for a Friendsgiving - complete with early morning grocery store run, pan dulce, watching Friends, cooking a delicious chicken with mac and cheese, stuffing, and potatoes, spending time with the Twin, and enjoying one of my favorite cities.

Listening to 90's music while we cook, enjoying each other's company, enjoying the fruits of our labor and now watching Pitch Perfect after a post-food coma deliciousness.

I'm thankful for food, friendship, and fun.

Dad (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today is my dad's birthday so today I am thankful for my dad.

I'm thankful for a dad, who despite his mistakes, has always loved both me and my sister. I'm thankful for a dad who was around, who did want to be a part of my life, and who didn't leave us forever. I'm thankful for a dad who puts his daughters above everyone else and who would do anything for them.

I'm thankful for what my dad has taught me - how to open my home and my life to others, how to be devoted to a job and a passion, how to bring others together over food, and how to give of yourself to others around you.

I love you dad. Happy birthday.

Change (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am currently filling out InterVarsity's full time staff application. The thing is a beast but what I am finding as I fill it out is how much I have changed in just one year. I filled out the application a year ago and I was encouraged to fill it out all over again because a lot has happened in this past year.

As I look at last year's responses, it is evident that God has done amazing work in the past year of my life. Of course it has not been an easy one. There was a lot of hard conversations, a lot of challenges but all that was for healing of some very broken areas in my life. God was growing my faith, my trust in him, my intimacy with him through all the tears, the challenges, the encouragements, the laughter, and the thousands of other little things. I am a different person than I was a year ago - in a good way. I'm stepping more into myself but stepping more into who Jesus is. Jesus is still transforming me, the work he began years ago when I started college, and even before then. And he is faithful to carry that work until completion.

Left - 2012, Right - 2013

Look at how much better I look in 2013... running must have paid off or something. ;) 

Thanksgiving Potluck (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am thankful for a plethora of delicious food, eating with old friends, making new friends, playing insanely awesome games, laughter, fun, and insanity - as you can see from the pictures of our 3rd Annual InterVarsity Thanksgiving Potluck.

Breakthrough (30 Days of Gratitude)

There was a time in my life, years ago, when I thought I would never recover from the pain of quitting my teaching job. There was a time when I thought I would never shed the identity of a failure, of a quitter, of a mistake. There was a time when I thought I would never be good enough to do anything right again. Those times were seasons of incredible and overwhelming breakdown. It was a time filled with fear and pain and a struggle to find where was Jesus in the mess.

Jesus meets us always in the mess of our breakdowns. Always. In Mark 9 the disciples attempt to cast out a demon from a boy plagued by the spirit since he was a young child. They were unable to do so which caused the disciples to breakdown and fall apart. They argued with the crowd, they were afraid, they were confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed because something they were supposed to do - they couldn't. In short they felt like failures. Jesus heals the boy, restores him to his own self, and brings restoration to this family. But the disciples are left wondering - "why couldn't we cast it out?"

I identify with this disciples in this passage because I have often asked - "why couldn't I make it as a teacher?" I was a full time teacher for only 7 months before quitting and there are times when the remnants of shame remain. Immediately after quitting I sought prayer to be healed from the painful experiences during and the after effects of quitting. While I have not remained overpowered or overtaken by the shame, there are times when it returns. There are times when the shame of having quit something because I was not good enough to complete it sneaks its way into my vulnerable heart and mind. There are times when I let the enemy's lies about myself take root in my heart. 

And it happened yesterday when I returned to the city I used to teach in. I didn't even stop in the city, I merely drove through it but all the feelings of powerlessness, of shame, of fear, of pain, of judgement, of failures, of insecurities came flooding back so it was like feeling them in full all over again. It was like being hit by a truck of emotion and I had no idea it would be so powerful. I was afraid and ready to breakdown all over again. But Jesus began to meet me. As I felt the lies, I could hear Jesus affirming his truth in my heart at the same time. Jesus reminded me of the hope, of the the truth, of the promise that relying on him can bring. 

For the disciples Jesus wanted to meet them and do the same - bring breakthrough. Jesus said that kind of spirit could only be cast out through prayer - only through a consistent and intimate relationship with the father could that kind of demon be cast out. There is hope for a breakthrough of intimacy between Jesus and the disciples as they being to see that not through their own power and strength do they perform miracles, but through a reliance on the father. 

With Jesus there is hope. With Jesus there is not breakdown but breakthrough. There is hope for any who are weary and tired of the breakdowns that Jesus will rush to us and meet us with breakthrough.  When we let our old selves breakdown - our pride, our fears, our baggage, our pain, the stuff we are holding onto - when we empty ourselves of it all, Jesus will rush to fill it with himself, with his power, with his spirit so God can do an amazing work through us. 

I am thankful breakdowns lead us to Jesus. I am grateful Jesus is always waiting, always ready to embrace us and usher me into breakthrough, into peace, hope, power, community, and intimacy with him. I thankful painful situations are always used for God's glory - even if we have no idea how that will happen. I'm thankful that when I forget this, when I feel overwhelmed by the breakdown, that friends, pastors (Devon - I mean you), and scripture will remind me of the faithfulness of our God. Because as we let our selves breakdown, Jesus begins to breakthrough - like light bursting forth from the darkness and nothing can thus contain it. 

Clear Skies (30 Day of Gratitude)

Thankful for cooler weather, days that feel like fall, warm jackets and scarves, clear skies after rainy days, and beautiful sunsets.

Gratitude Snorkel #3 (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today was one of those rough days. Those kind of days that as soon as you wake up, you know they just aren't going to be easy. Started with my car not working and then a lot of discouragement and disappointment followed. Coupled with a hard few days previously and a night previous of poor sleep and the last thing I wanted to do was say what I was thankful for.

But gratitude is a choice. Being joyful is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice to see the beauty in ugly, to see the whole in the broken. So today I share what I am grateful for, knowing it hasn't been easy but that's ok.

So this week I am also grateful for:

• Yogurtland Adventures with Rachel and the laughter that always comes when are together
• Running 3 miles at a new personal best (under 38 minutes)
• Delicious pho, egg rolls, thai tea, and frozen yogurt. Yum! 
• Listening to rain fall outside my window
• Friends who let me borrow their cars when mine dies
• Seeing the vast sunshine driving from one place to another
• Heaters that use gas instead of electric (because we don't pay for gas at our apartment)
• Dinner and a fun movie to relax to
• Laughter and jokes
• Anything pumpkin related (ice cream, cupcakes, muffins, cookies, etc.) 
• Brainstorming ideas for photoshoots and books 
• Will Smith - enough said 

Twenty Things We Should Say More Often (30 Days of Gratitude)

Thanks Kid President for sharing the things we should all say more. I whole heartedly agree with number 18.

20. Thank you

19. Excuse me

18. Here's a surprise corn dog I bought you because you're my friend

17. I'm sorry

16. I forgive you

15. You can do it!

14. I have barbecue sauce on my shirt too

13. Please

12. Everything is going to be ok

11. Aww.. you got me a corn dog too! You shouldn't have buddy 

10. I don't know

9. You're so awesome...

8. Hello person I've never met before. Here's a hi-five!

7. My sports team is not always the best sports team

6. *nothing*

5. .... (hehe I will let you watch this one)

4. I disagree with you but, I still like you as a person who is a human being and I will treat you like that because if I didn't it would make everything bad and that's what lots of people do and it is lame. 

3. *screams*

2. Life is tough but so are you

1. Something nice! 

Bonus: Let's DANCE! 

Dorm Small Group (30 Days of Gratitude)

When I planned bible study I did not expect what happened. We studied Luke 7, the passage where a sinful woman anoints Jesus with an alabaster jar of perfume. It's a powerful passage but we only looked at it for about 30 minutes. Conversation seemed to wrap up quickly and I didn't even really have a great application planned. But we decided to do listening prayer and then that turned into sharing some deep, personal, and painful stuff from our own lives. We went deep with each other tonight and I can say I was not expecting it but I was rejoicing afterwards.

In a weird way we saw the passage lived out. We came in expecting one thing - like Simon came in expecting to have a nice dinner with Jesus. We came in expecting to play a fun game, look at a nice passage, have a relatively easy application, and then head on back to our respective places. In and out. But Jesus had more for Simon and Jesus had more for us. We were met with a moment to be vulnerable before each other and be vulnerable before Jesus. We share honestly, even let our tears fall, and we held each other's past wounds for a moment.

I'm so grateful that I got to experience that moment with Devan, Danielle, Tyler, Jeremy, Perri, and Ryan tonight. I'm so thankful for their honestly, for the risk to be vulnerable, and for the weirdly awesome family that we are becoming. I cannot wait to see what more Jesus has in store for us when we are willing to go deep with each other.

Community Group (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am grateful I found a place within the Encino community group with Reality LA. It has been a great place for me to connect with new friends, a lot of non-InterVarsity people, and build a new family of people around me. Tonight I was reminded of how amazing this has been for the past few weeks. I'm so grateful how our group is centered around building relationships with each other, about going deep into each others' lives, about being honest and open, about laughter and seriousness, and welcoming.

I'm grateful we feed each other constantly and that our group eats together every week. I'm grateful we are actively getting to know each other, asking each other silly questions and deep questions. I'm grateful we listen to each other's stories, hear experiences different from our own, and seek to learn from one another. I'm grateful that in one night we can talk about dressing up like the different Super Smash brothers (I get to be Link) and then go to healthy and biblical relationships between men and women.

I am grateful for all the friendship, the new family, and the food that this group has been for me in the past two months.

Mirrors of Jesus (30 Days of Gratitude)

There are a handful of people in my life who will always be in my corner no matter. Jim and Karen Covell are two of those people. Karen has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders, someone who has always supported me in whatever I wanted to do. She supported me going to Fresno for FUI, she supported me quitting teaching, she supported me in InterVarsity in more ways than one. I'm so glad my students get even a small taste of these awesome people.

I'm so grateful for this couple as people I can model my life after. They show me what a healthy and committed marriage looks like. They show me how to love Jesus passionately. They show me how to have joy in the midst of really crappy situations. They show me how to live intentionally and sacrificially. They, in truth, are some of the most clear mirrors of Jesus. And I'm grateful God has placed them in my life, and my students get to hear their wisdom, humor, and encouragement.

105 (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am so thankful for the miracles Jesus is doing at CSUN and in IVMCF this year. Our leadership team sat down today to complete a Fall Field Report (a fancy term for basically looking at the numbers in our fellowship). In May we set a goal to have 80 students involved at least 50% of the time. We knew back then how much work it was going to take to go from 65 active students to 80 active students (and we lost about 10 to graduations). I was scared to be honest we weren't going to meet that. I knew God had been doing amazing things but what if we didn't meet the numerical goal. What would that say about my leadership, our focus, our plans, our structures? God is sovereign over all of these numbers but old fears and worries definitely came slowly to the surface.

But I was blown away today. When we finally counted how many people are actively involved in our fellowship we saw that we had a 105 people involved. 105! Since InterVarsity was planted at CSUN, the numbers have never been that high. The closest was 70 people in the Fall of 2009. Last year at this time we only had 60 students and at the end of the school year we had 65. We have grown by 40 people in the course of one semester! First off, I'm so thankful for the 105 students at are a part of our fellowship, the 105 people who are willing to let Jesus speak into their lives and who are want to be a part of a movement to see a multi-ethnic community be built that shares the love of God with all 39,000 students at CSUN.

This is a miracle. Oh we put in the hard work but it is still a miracle. Our job is to obey and God's job is to get it done. I'm grateful for the faithfulness and willingness of each of my student leaders to obey where God called them this semester. We obeyed - we were faithful to put on events, to follow up with students, to reach out to the new students on campus, to sacrifice homework and sleep and even money to reach out to the people God put in front of us. And God was faithful to do his part in bringing students to us and keeping them there. It is nothing short of a miracle and is worthy to be praised. Praise the Lord for the work he is doing at CSUN and through InterVarsity and I can barely imagine what is in store for us next semester and the years to come.

I'm grateful that I was brought here to this campus and to this fellowship. It was a difficult road to get here and I certainly did not expect myself to be on staff, by myself, at CSUN of all places. It was a hard road that lead me to this campus but I wouldn't want it any other way because the work that God has done in my life over the past two years has I feel has brought a new level of trust of the Holy Spirit in my life and in the lives of the students I minister with. It is amazing the work that God does with a single staff worker and several willing leaders. I am grateful to be a part of it, I'm grateful to see this happen, I'm grateful our heard work of NSO (New Student Outreach) more than paid off, and I'm grateful that God is showing up in our fellowship, in our division, in our region, and in college campuses across the world and I'm grateful I get to be a part of this movement.

Feels like Home (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I'm thankful for being in one place for more than a year. I have lived in Northridge for a year a three months and I'm so grateful for the stability of being in one place for a while. When I graduated from college in 2010, I didn't spend more than six months in a single place and being in Northridge feels like home. I have a lot of places that feel like home and feel safe - Pasadena, San Luis Obispo, Fresno, and now Northridge feels like a place I could call home.

I'm grateful to know this city and be known in it. To go to restaurants where they know my face and also my food order, to have friends to eat breakfast with, grateful for days that feel like fall, cloudy days that are prefect for reading, playing Nerts (my favorite card game ever) with friends, and going running with friends (and enjoying it). It's good to be in a place that feels like home.

Gratitude Snorkel #2 (30 Days of Gratitude)

I like the idea of every Friday listing the things I am grateful for throughout the day or week that I didn't hit in the regular blog post. So here is this week's list:

- Smoothies and theorizing about Once Upon a Time with Danielle
- Having meetings moved around to get extra sleep time
- A schedule that allows sleeping in
- Visioning for planting new ministries and bible studies
- Helping students vision and plan for the new places God is calling them
- Seeing that the hard situations I've been in the past several months being used to speak into the lives of others around me
- Finding the perfect spot to take pictures of the sunset
- Listening to amazing live music thanks to Ryan W
- Visits from Lengyel, Brendan, and Nate who I haven't seen in a while
- Late night at Denny's with Jonathan, Jenel, Mark, Jaclyn, Brendan, Lengyel, Kenny, Nate, Ryan, Holli, and her family.
- Laughter, jokes, and free french fries

Bible Study (30 Days of Gratitude)

I have not co-lead a bible study since 2009. The last consistent group I lead was with Eric Lebowtiz in the Poly Canyon Village Apartments my junior year. Through a strange series of events, I was asked to help co-lead a bible study in the dorms with one of our volunteer leaders, Ryan. I thought it was going to be a temporary gig, find him a new co-leader quickly and then move on to other things.

No so much. But I'm very grateful that I was placed into this leadership role as a co-leader for many reasons.

• I've been able to co-lead with Ryan and get to know him, his leadership style, in a way I probably wouldn't if I wasn't leading with him every week. 
• I get to experience leading bible study again, learning better how to teach others how to do it because I am "in the trenches" as it were.
• I get to know students in my bible study on a deeper level, students I may never have met if I wasn't going every week. 
• I get to spend more time in the dorms, knowing I will be there at least once a week (some weeks I'm at the dorms 3-4 times). 
• I get to study scripture. 

So while it wasn't a part of my plan, I'm grateful that God sometimes knows me better and knows what I need. 

French Toast and Pumpkins (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am thankful that Mark initiated a meeting with me to vision for the future of IVMCF. As a staff worker, I often have to be the one to practically beg students to meet up with me. I don't mind, I love meeting with students, but it is always great when a students seeks me out to vision for the future. I love that my students are excited about where God is leading us and want to be an active part in the process. It fills my heart with joy bubbles (Literally).

I am thankful that I have a place that knows me. I go to Joyce's a lot. A LOT. They know my order there, that's how often I frequent there. I've wanted this for a long time, to feel known as a local at a restaurant, and finally it has happened. [I get the French toast, with scrambled eggs, and sausage - every single time by the way. Easy to know the order when it's the same thing.]

I am thankful that Anne and I got a random hangout. After my meeting with Mark, I ventured to campus to meet with the Monday Night Fellowship team - but two of them were sick - so Anne and I got a short one on one before her class. It was fun, restful, and I whined about being sick a lot but Anne was gracious.All before 11am too. I might have taken a mid-day nap out from the exhaustion of the morning but it was worth it.

Finally, I am thankful for Melissa Doyle who brought this sicky ice cream and a wonderful card. It was pumpkin ice cream (my favorite) and I was so grateful. I can already feel myself getting better. I think I know what heals my sickness...