My Voice

I used to write all the time. Daily I would journal and weekly I blog. In my free moments I'd jot something down in a notebook I always carried with me or take a note on my phone. I would sit with my favorite pen while thoughts poured out of my soul like rushing river. A river full of dreams, of imagery, of feelings, and words poured out onto thin lines of paper.

But now it is dry. I sit down at the computer or with my journal and my throat feels parched. The ink seems sit, the page remains blank, and the keys stay silent. I have become silent. Somewhere in the past few months I became afraid of using my own voice.

I became afraid to say the wrong thing. I became afraid to mess up. I felt that people were suddenly looking more to me to get it right, to be perfect, to know the answers, to have the best grammar, and to do the right thing. I felt a growing sense of pressure - like a backpack - getting heavier and heavier. Like each time I wanted to get it right, another rock was placed inside.

That is not what God, nor anyone has intended for my life. God wants me to live a life of freedom and somehow I imposed this burden upon myself. God never wanted me to live in fear but has given us a spirit of power, love, and self control (2 Tim 1:7). God wants me to use my individual voices to change broken systems, to encourage, to edify, to bring justice, and to advocate for those who cannot speak. When I gave into the fear, I stopped doing all of those things. There may have been places where I needed to say something but I stood in the shadows of silence instead.

So I am going to step out in faith and speak. I will use my voice to bring others into my experience and listen well to the voices of others. I want to share the stories of Ferguson, of injustice, of hatred, of campus access, and of revival, and breakthrough, and prayer, and transformation! I want to speak to encourage others to stand in the freedom that Christ promises and no longer live in the burden of shame or guilt or bitterness.

I'm human though so I'm probably going to say the wrong thing at some point. I really wish I wouldn't but I'll make a grammatical error or a typo or say something meant to be helpful but cause hurt instead. But God does not expect perfection, he expects obedience and love. And if using my voice brings love then I think it's going ok.

Here's to letting you all (the two readers beside my mother - hey mom!) into the places of my life - both the painful and and the joyful. Here's to letting you in the reality of our world around us and sitting sometimes in the messiness.