I couldn't fall asleep tonight so I decided to write poetry. I was inspired by the phrase I wrote about a while ago "we hold onto grudges as easily as we hold onto pencils" that I wrote in a
almost a year. It's not fully formed out yet but I feel just like I want to get it out in it's raw stages and that's ok.
I cannot fall asleep tonight.
I lay awake on my bed of sharp nails of un-forgiveness,
tossing and turning mind racing from every single wrong –
what they did, where they were, what they said.
The sharp nails piercing my skin
bruising and bleeding – the reminders of the pain
I cannot fall asleep tonight because I am terrible at
forgiveness.
But I am all too great at remembering.
Despite how many scriptures I read
or movies I see that tell me the same thing –
forgiveness is a choice that I must make
I hear the good words from preachers, pastors, and pulpits
sitting in pew after pew but nothing penetrates in brain of
mine
other than all of the wrongdoing.
Oh I know I should make that choice every day.
It’s what the good Lord told me long ago ever since that
prayer I prayed.
He said, “love others, forgive the wrongs did and done,
do unto others what you desire done unto you.”
doesn’t mean I do it.
Sunday school teachers and preachers drilled over and over
candy prizes for memories scriptures that I certainly don’t
remember anymore.
To me forgiveness was a land of sweet marshmallow candy.
fuzzy feelings that are just as real as unicorns and
leprechauns.
The fake stuff I only regurgitate because I have to,
because mom is watching me right now
waiting for the magic words that when heard apparently makes
it all go away.
“I forgive you” – which we all know only means I don’t want to talk about this
anymore
because I sure as hell don’t forgive your sorry ass.
I hold grudges as easily as I hold pencils.
Writing my hatred upon the faces of my enemies.
Spelling out their failures – what’s a seven letter word for
left behind?
“a-b-a-n-d-o-n” – abandon. Ding! Move onto the next round.
Sitting in a corner by myself with my sketch pad
sketching my the hurt of past onto relationships of the
present.
Burning and bruising all those that have wronged me
I hold grudges as easily as I breathe.
With every intake of breath I remember –
The time you left me waiting at the bus stop
for two whole hours never knowing, never showing up
I stare at the phone willing it to ring, to explain, to
justify
to give a reason because there must be one for all the
waiting
you wouldn’t just forget, leave me here with my thoughts and
memories
remembering the times of the past where I sat waiting by the
window
for that red pick-up truck that was already an hour late.
The clock ticks on by and the sky shines bright but no car
drives past that I know.
Now the moon rises over the sky but no apology comes.
Lame excuses whispered and half-hearted sorries said only to
make yourself feel better:
“Got tied up at work.”
“Got tied up at work.”
Record stuck on repeat, repeating and skipping, skipping and
repeating
the same sounds
“Got tied up at work.”
With every intake of breath I remember –
the time you hung up the phone too early.
I called in pain and stress and I got just a little bit less
of your time
than what I asked for.
Didn’t ask for much in the first place – never do.
And you didn’t even ask the next day how I was doing.
I sat in solitary darkness, only feeling my tears fall, not
seeing anything.
We were separated by roads and stop lights and houses
but you still couldn’t see anything – you shut the door,
leaving me hanging and waiting and sitting in my own shit.
I tried to be open and honest with you but all I got was –
“Can’t do this now.”
When you hung up that phone did you know that I went back to
that bus stop?
Went back to the staying and waiting and praying – dear Lord
not again
I will not let this happen again!
Years later the record changed sound but it still means the
same thing
What’s a seven letter word for “given up?”
F-o-r-s-a-k-e – forsake. Ding! Move onto the next round.
I was mistaken to think I would never be forsaken again
I was mistaken to hope I would never be left waiting at the
bus stop
sitting in my car, or lying awake in bed – unable to sleep
praying, wishing, hoping that I would magically pop into
your mind and remind you to call
just to see how I am doing
The red face of the clock shines an ungodly hour
and here I am still awake on my bed of sharp pencils,
I can easily pick up and hold.
Lord help me drop the grudges as easily as I drop the pencil
because I need to sleep tonight.
I hold grudges as surely as the day passes.
each one blackens my already dark heart and keeps me
wishing, praying, hoping, saying, that things will be different –
as long as it they who make
the changes.
I will be ok as long as it is they who arrive when they say will
or stay on the phone long enough to hear the cries of my anxious heart.
I will be ok as long as it is they who make every effort to change.
I cannot sleep – not because I am un-forgiving but because I am selfish.
I live in a world circling, revolving, spinning around my self-created
needs.
I look to help in the mountains where self-created, ill-fated gods
reside,
instead of my true creator.
I look to the idols of attention, desire, self-satisfaction, and independence
to bring me out of this pit of self-hatred.
To bring reprieve from the heavy weight of the fall and all the crap
that comes along with it
- the separation – the isolation – the loneliness.
Can I look to the stars that shine above in the blackest of skies
hoping that some light pierces into the sharp selfish soul.
Here He is, the creator, the master, the savior who
never forgot, never forsook, never gave up, never gave in
who sat at the bus stop and in the car when and is sitting by the bed I was crying out to a God I thought
couldn’t hear me
as I wept aloud in the screams of my own own hurt, I couldn't hear the whispers -
Daughter I love
you.
Daughter I gave
everything to be with you.
Will you let the
grudges and the hurts slips through fingers and fall forever to the floor
Because what good
has holding onto them done for you.
He whispers.
Be free from the chains
of your memories.
I cannot sleep because I cannot hear the words of my father
Be at peace. Your faith
has healed you.
