Lies Are Shot at Me Like Bullets

(written during FUI in July 2010) 

Lies are shot at me like bullets,

Leaving their holes inside my soul,

Leaving their scars behind, even when the shells are gone

Screaming – I AM A FAILURE!

I wonder, when the disappointment will end?

I hear only hurtful words, replaying on a stuck loop in my mind.

I see the hidden tears masked with shouts.

I want to escape to my own world where the shouts are silenced.

A world with mountains that point to the heavens

And clouds that cool the air.

I am exhausted from the city that never sleeps.

I do not sleep well.

Awaken by heat and sirens

That blaze throughout the night and day.

Those words still blare like sirens in the dark night.

They scream with a child’s pain, who is now screaming at me.

I pretend to have it all together for I must keep up appearances.

Inside I feel frustrated and finished.

The wounds are too deep to hide,

Telling me I should have known what to say.

If I touch something, will it fail?

Why am I not better?

I worry that I have ruined everything.

Hiding in back bedrooms, I cry only in secret.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I understand that I was right.

I was right to set a standard,

To take a stand.

And I say these seemingly meaningless words to make myself feel better.

I dream of cooler weather and tempers,

A life outside this city, a life in the mountains of my mind.

For I need a rest, a shelter from the shooting shells.

I lie still, bleeding, waiting for rescue.

Lies are shot at me like bullets.

Easily believed, easily received,

Leaving gaping wounds behind

Whispering – I am a failure.

I wear a mask too disgusting to wear any longer.

The tears will no longer stay hidden in back bedrooms.

I cannot hide the bullet holes with glitter any more

Can the world see right through me?

When the outside world returns, the tears do not disappear.

They return to their secret places, in dark shadows,

Waiting to pounce on their prey, once the threat has retreated,

Once I am alone.

That is when the lies come and invade.

Like a thief in the night,

Ready to steal what is left of my truth.

What is left of my security.

I lift my eyes up to the hills.

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The maker of heaven and earth.

Will the Lord come and rescue one who is buried

Beneath broken shells of words?

Covered in dark ash,

Cowering in a pit of despair.

For when the lies are shot at me like bullets

I run into a foxhole, a pit of hell,

Praying for protection from the screams and whispers of

I am a failure.

But I waited patiently for the Lord.

What else was I to do?

The Lord turned to me and he heard my cry.

He came to my rescue.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

Out of the mud and mire.

He set my feet on a rock

And gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

A hymn of praise to our God.

Now many will see and fear

And put their trust in the Lord.