Breakthrough (30 Days of Gratitude)

There was a time in my life, years ago, when I thought I would never recover from the pain of quitting my teaching job. There was a time when I thought I would never shed the identity of a failure, of a quitter, of a mistake. There was a time when I thought I would never be good enough to do anything right again. Those times were seasons of incredible and overwhelming breakdown. It was a time filled with fear and pain and a struggle to find where was Jesus in the mess.

Jesus meets us always in the mess of our breakdowns. Always. In Mark 9 the disciples attempt to cast out a demon from a boy plagued by the spirit since he was a young child. They were unable to do so which caused the disciples to breakdown and fall apart. They argued with the crowd, they were afraid, they were confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed because something they were supposed to do - they couldn't. In short they felt like failures. Jesus heals the boy, restores him to his own self, and brings restoration to this family. But the disciples are left wondering - "why couldn't we cast it out?"

I identify with this disciples in this passage because I have often asked - "why couldn't I make it as a teacher?" I was a full time teacher for only 7 months before quitting and there are times when the remnants of shame remain. Immediately after quitting I sought prayer to be healed from the painful experiences during and the after effects of quitting. While I have not remained overpowered or overtaken by the shame, there are times when it returns. There are times when the shame of having quit something because I was not good enough to complete it sneaks its way into my vulnerable heart and mind. There are times when I let the enemy's lies about myself take root in my heart. 

And it happened yesterday when I returned to the city I used to teach in. I didn't even stop in the city, I merely drove through it but all the feelings of powerlessness, of shame, of fear, of pain, of judgement, of failures, of insecurities came flooding back so it was like feeling them in full all over again. It was like being hit by a truck of emotion and I had no idea it would be so powerful. I was afraid and ready to breakdown all over again. But Jesus began to meet me. As I felt the lies, I could hear Jesus affirming his truth in my heart at the same time. Jesus reminded me of the hope, of the the truth, of the promise that relying on him can bring. 

For the disciples Jesus wanted to meet them and do the same - bring breakthrough. Jesus said that kind of spirit could only be cast out through prayer - only through a consistent and intimate relationship with the father could that kind of demon be cast out. There is hope for a breakthrough of intimacy between Jesus and the disciples as they being to see that not through their own power and strength do they perform miracles, but through a reliance on the father. 

With Jesus there is hope. With Jesus there is not breakdown but breakthrough. There is hope for any who are weary and tired of the breakdowns that Jesus will rush to us and meet us with breakthrough.  When we let our old selves breakdown - our pride, our fears, our baggage, our pain, the stuff we are holding onto - when we empty ourselves of it all, Jesus will rush to fill it with himself, with his power, with his spirit so God can do an amazing work through us. 

I am thankful breakdowns lead us to Jesus. I am grateful Jesus is always waiting, always ready to embrace us and usher me into breakthrough, into peace, hope, power, community, and intimacy with him. I thankful painful situations are always used for God's glory - even if we have no idea how that will happen. I'm thankful that when I forget this, when I feel overwhelmed by the breakdown, that friends, pastors (Devon - I mean you), and scripture will remind me of the faithfulness of our God. Because as we let our selves breakdown, Jesus begins to breakthrough - like light bursting forth from the darkness and nothing can thus contain it.