Game Nights (30 Days of Gratitude)

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 20

Tonight a friend from my small group at church hosted a game night at her house with a join group of church friends and class friends. I'm glad to have the space in church to be with each other outside of small group. As an InterVarsity student, I mark this is a trait of healthy small group - how much you spend time with each other outside of small group time. Many church groups I've been a part of are not quite like that, but it's great to see there are others who value spending time together outside of the group enough to be intentional. This week alone I was able to meet with multiple church friends outside of official church time. It's growing my sense that these are "my people." So I'm grateful for the times to play Zombie Dice and Dominion (which I love by the way) and even eat cookie dough.

Conversations About Race (30 Days of Gratitude)

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 16

Racial Reconciliation is a difficult topic to talk about. Having been introduced to the hard realities of race and racial inequality in our country as a freshmen in college, I realized how late into the game I was as a white person. I've written a few posts about my own journey through ethnic identity which are worth checking out.

But today I'm grateful for the good and hard and messy and kingdom centered conversations about race and ethnicity. It started with watching a sermon on Ephesians 2 and then we just dived into hard conversations. Sitting a room of black students I heard stories of pain. How they fear they can't share their grief about the things happening in the country because they'll be seen as just another angry black person. How so many people rush to show their support of Paris and grieve the terror but where was that concern when Ebola was raging through Africa? To be in a room where these black students let me into their struggle was a beautiful thing - to be let into their messiness and their frustrations and their fears and their hopes for more - that is the beginnings of racial reconciliation. To get to know each other stories.

So thank you to the many men and women of color who have let me into your world - into your hurt and pain - into your stories and see into your culture because I am forever grateful.

Making Friends is Hard

When I was a kid we used to watch reruns of friends while my mom made dinner. I didn't understand a lot of the tv show, but I did understand one major thing - I wanted my adult life to look just like that. Well mostly like that. I envisioned my life where I would live in a cool, hip, apartment and hang out with my neighbors all the time. We'd have our boyfriends over or if we were single we had have girl nights and rant about how stupid boys were. We'd spend way too much time at our favorite local coffee shop or local bar - and it would be awesome.

College felt so much like Friends and I loved every moment of it. I could walk down the hall of my dorm and ask to grab dinner with someone - and I have 30-40 people to chose from. When I moved into a house, I lived with 5 other girls and there was always someone over. I could text someone "want to hang out right now" and I wouldn't even have to send five texts before I got a yes. In college people were everywhere and I had so many options of who to be friends with. 

But then I graduated and it felt like everything changed. I moved down to LA and slowly started to lose touch with some of my college friends. As I started with InterVarsity staff I noticed that my Facebook friends increased but it seemed that my deep, meaningful friendships were slowly decreasing. 

Making Facebook friends was easy - making deep meaningful friendships was a whole other story. I was coming into a new place, a new church, and I was the outsider. No one in the church needed me while I desperately needed them. But there were times when I didn't want to put in the work to make new friendships because it was hard. It took time and I needed someone to process life with at the moment and I wanted my old friends back and only a text message away from hanging out. I didn't like how much time, how much effort it took make those deep friendships. So at some level I just stopped trying. It felt easier to be angsty when my old friends didn't call me back rather than put myself out there and meet knew people - to risk being judged or misunderstood by new people. I wanted things to go back the way they were.

But I couldn't do that any more. As much as I tried to stay in the past, I was moving forward (even if slowly) and so were all my fiends. If I've learned anything in the past four years since I've graduated is that making deep friendships once you leave college takes way more time. I don't have InterVarsity conferences or retreats to propel friendship intimacy forward with my peers. The people I interact with don't live down the street - they live on the other side of the 405 and that might as well be hours away. And even though it feels like ages, being at my church for a year and half is a really short time in the adult world. I'm right on track for where I should be in how well people know me. 

But that doesn't make it any easier. Because making friends as an adult is hard but that shouldn't stop me from trying. 

30 Before 30

When I turned 25 I decided to come up with a list of 25 things to do during the year. It made the year feel extra special as I was able to keep track of all the new things I accomplished. It also helped me take note of the ways I needed more challenge in my life. Many of them, however, were easy to accomplish in a year or less. As I just turned 26 and I'm now closer to 30 than I am to twenty, I want to take even more risks, develop more disciplines, and find myself just a bit more as I try new things and make many more mistakes. So here are the 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.

1. Take a road trip. I want to see many new places, find hidden gems, and form deeper friendships as we journey together.
2. Travel to 4 states I have never been to. This will prevent me from just doing an up the west coast trip (which I want to do). Fortunately I've been to both of the dakotas so don't have to worry about that. 
3. Visit 30 new places. I really enjoy traveling and taking adventures. I want to mark the many places I hope to visit and explore. 
4. Get something published. Or least frame the rejection letters. I love writing but it is easy for me to just write for myself. I want to take the risk by sending my work to be published. It may never happen but I'm going to take that risk anyway.
5. Date. While this may appear to be an easy one, truth is, I don't really date a lot. So I want to step into putting myself out there - feels like a weird a phrase but you get it - and take more risks, initiate more, meet more people, etc.
6. Nurture a deep friendship with 5 people. It is easy for me to always want to take care of others but it's important for me to also have deep friendships where people are invested in caring for me. This could be coordinating meals, planning fun events, saying yes to drinks or date nights, movie nights, or random outings. 
7. Use my voice. Over the years I've been frustrated with the fact that I'm still single or it seems many churches don't have a place for single women over the age of 22 or that all my friends seem to be married or birthing children. But there is something unique about the fact that I am currently 26 and still single and I have a voice to share. I want to find ways to use my voice to encourage and to challenge. 
8. Find my fashion style. As I am entering my late 20's and heading into 30 I want to find my fashion style not as a college student anymore but as a "real adult" (if there is such a thing). 
9. Run a half-marathon. While I go back and forth about running, I want to develop a stronger discipline for it. I've run a 5k and I found I really enjoyed the actual experience. I think I want to push myself to go bigger. 
10. Read the whole bible. I'm always surprised at the stories I find in scripture and it's time I know them all. I've read a lot of it, but it's time I see all the great things God has in all of scripture.
11. Memorize 30 Scriptures. As I read through the whole bible, it is important to memorize and mediate on them as well. 
12. Learn 30 new dishes. Not just try or make 30 dishes - but learn and perfect them. So this will require making them several times. I'm sure I can find some people to help me taste test. 
13. Take a class. Maybe it's a sewing class or a cooking class. Maybe it's guitar lessons or swing dancing lessons. Maybe it's a seminary class. I don't know, I don't plan everything out. But I want to learn something new. 
14. Learn a new language. I want to be able to both communicate with my best friend who speaks Spanish and the large population at CSUN who signs. Maybe I will make an attempt to learn some of both. 
15. Read 30,000 pages. That adds up to about 30 books of at least 250 pages per year until I'm 30. I love reading so this will be fun to end up reading 120 new books in the next four years. 
16. Get 30 new InterVarsity Supporters. This will be a challenge to maintain 30 new ministry supporters and take a lot of work but a great growth challenge. 
17. Bring 30 students to Urbana15. Last year we brought 15 students to Urbana12 and imagine how powerful it will be bring to be at least 30 students.
18. Serve deeply at church. Like seriously serve in a ministry so I'm one of those crazy people who spend too much time talking about church stuff. 
19. Create art. To frame, to give away. Not photography but drawing, painting, or something of the sort. Pinterest will be helpful but take a risk and create art. 
20. Spend time with 30 old friends. Not just a one meal, but traveling together, spending a weekend away, getting back into the lives of college friends I've lost touch with and rejoicing in where God has brought us now. 
21. Go backpacking. I love hiking, I love camping, I love nature but I have never had the opportunity to actually go backpacking. I want, no I need to make this happen. 
22. Write 30 letters to 30 different people. Letter writing is a beautiful art and I need to do this regularly.
23. Meet my goal weight. It's not about being super thin, but about being healthy. Develop exercise and eating habits to feel great in my own skin. 
24. Forgive 30 people. Forgiveness is a choice not a fuzzy feeling. This will be a challenge to seriously chose forgiveness for 30 people. 
25. Be a better steward with money. I want to be better at budgeting and saving. Finances tend to stress me out more than most things because I don't like working with numbers. I need to get over my fears of looking at my spending habits so I can be a better steward of the money I've been given.
26. Pay off credit debt. I'm fortunate to not be in a huge debt but I'm still have credit cards and student loans to pay off. I want to be able to pay off my credit card debt and make a plan to pay off my student loans within the foreseeable future. Working on the previous one should help this.
27. Clean out and organize my life. I've been holding onto unnecessary junk in my life (both literally and metaphorically) for probably too long. The longer I live in a place then the more I tend to consume. I need to go through and get rid of the stuff I have no need for and organize the stuff I do so I can find it again. 
28. Design my apartment. Every place I've lived in has been in a season of transition. Other than my parents the longest I've lived somewhere was two years. I'm in a season where I will most like live here for the next several years and I want my living space to reflect the permanence in my life. 
29. Learn basic car and apartment maintenance: Since it's probably I will be single for the foreseeable future, I want to learn how to keep my car and apartment running. Things like - how to change my oil, how to repair a flat tire, how to fix a minor plumping issue, etc. So when I do get married - I can fix stuff and he can cook.
30. Try 30 fun new things. It's great that I have all these goals but I want to make sure I'm having fun while doing it all. It could be going out dancing, it could be paintball, it could be skydiving. Ok it probably wont' be skydiving. 

Five

My pastor at church told us to come up with five scriptures that are our "fab five" if you will - the scriptures we have as our armor when the devil tempts us or whispers in our hear to distract us. I thought I'd share mine:

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heart my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
an a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

John 15:4-5
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 4:12-13
Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.

Breakthrough (30 Days of Gratitude)

There was a time in my life, years ago, when I thought I would never recover from the pain of quitting my teaching job. There was a time when I thought I would never shed the identity of a failure, of a quitter, of a mistake. There was a time when I thought I would never be good enough to do anything right again. Those times were seasons of incredible and overwhelming breakdown. It was a time filled with fear and pain and a struggle to find where was Jesus in the mess.

Jesus meets us always in the mess of our breakdowns. Always. In Mark 9 the disciples attempt to cast out a demon from a boy plagued by the spirit since he was a young child. They were unable to do so which caused the disciples to breakdown and fall apart. They argued with the crowd, they were afraid, they were confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed because something they were supposed to do - they couldn't. In short they felt like failures. Jesus heals the boy, restores him to his own self, and brings restoration to this family. But the disciples are left wondering - "why couldn't we cast it out?"

I identify with this disciples in this passage because I have often asked - "why couldn't I make it as a teacher?" I was a full time teacher for only 7 months before quitting and there are times when the remnants of shame remain. Immediately after quitting I sought prayer to be healed from the painful experiences during and the after effects of quitting. While I have not remained overpowered or overtaken by the shame, there are times when it returns. There are times when the shame of having quit something because I was not good enough to complete it sneaks its way into my vulnerable heart and mind. There are times when I let the enemy's lies about myself take root in my heart. 

And it happened yesterday when I returned to the city I used to teach in. I didn't even stop in the city, I merely drove through it but all the feelings of powerlessness, of shame, of fear, of pain, of judgement, of failures, of insecurities came flooding back so it was like feeling them in full all over again. It was like being hit by a truck of emotion and I had no idea it would be so powerful. I was afraid and ready to breakdown all over again. But Jesus began to meet me. As I felt the lies, I could hear Jesus affirming his truth in my heart at the same time. Jesus reminded me of the hope, of the the truth, of the promise that relying on him can bring. 

For the disciples Jesus wanted to meet them and do the same - bring breakthrough. Jesus said that kind of spirit could only be cast out through prayer - only through a consistent and intimate relationship with the father could that kind of demon be cast out. There is hope for a breakthrough of intimacy between Jesus and the disciples as they being to see that not through their own power and strength do they perform miracles, but through a reliance on the father. 

With Jesus there is hope. With Jesus there is not breakdown but breakthrough. There is hope for any who are weary and tired of the breakdowns that Jesus will rush to us and meet us with breakthrough.  When we let our old selves breakdown - our pride, our fears, our baggage, our pain, the stuff we are holding onto - when we empty ourselves of it all, Jesus will rush to fill it with himself, with his power, with his spirit so God can do an amazing work through us. 

I am thankful breakdowns lead us to Jesus. I am grateful Jesus is always waiting, always ready to embrace us and usher me into breakthrough, into peace, hope, power, community, and intimacy with him. I thankful painful situations are always used for God's glory - even if we have no idea how that will happen. I'm thankful that when I forget this, when I feel overwhelmed by the breakdown, that friends, pastors (Devon - I mean you), and scripture will remind me of the faithfulness of our God. Because as we let our selves breakdown, Jesus begins to breakthrough - like light bursting forth from the darkness and nothing can thus contain it. 

Community Group (30 Days of Gratitude)

I am grateful I found a place within the Encino community group with Reality LA. It has been a great place for me to connect with new friends, a lot of non-InterVarsity people, and build a new family of people around me. Tonight I was reminded of how amazing this has been for the past few weeks. I'm so grateful how our group is centered around building relationships with each other, about going deep into each others' lives, about being honest and open, about laughter and seriousness, and welcoming.

I'm grateful we feed each other constantly and that our group eats together every week. I'm grateful we are actively getting to know each other, asking each other silly questions and deep questions. I'm grateful we listen to each other's stories, hear experiences different from our own, and seek to learn from one another. I'm grateful that in one night we can talk about dressing up like the different Super Smash brothers (I get to be Link) and then go to healthy and biblical relationships between men and women.

I am grateful for all the friendship, the new family, and the food that this group has been for me in the past two months.

"Welcome Home" (30 Days of Gratitude)

I've been trying to my place in a church since I moved to Northridge. I was attending H.O.P.E.'s House since January and recently made a switch to Reality LA. Both are so different from each other and I went back to H.O.P.E.'s House this week. I'll admit I was nervous about returning because I didn't let anyone know that I was visiting another church.

And I will admit I thought that when I came back, I feared would be a stranger again or be judged for not being around. And God is teaching me a lot about how to be involved in a church (which is another blog post for another day). But I made it in the door for all of two seconds when Uncle Kelvin spotted me and and gave me a huge hug, grateful to see me again. And Miss Iris's eyes lit up when she saw me after not seeing me for so long.

So I'm grateful they really mean it when they say "Welcome Home" when people arrive at H.O.P.E.'s House and I'm grateful for their hugs, for the people I met and know my name, for the things the church has taught me, and for always being a place I can come to and feel at home.

Generosity and Faithfulness (30 Days of Gratitude)

Today I am thankful that God provides in fundraising. This is an Urbana year, where students from all over the country will be head to St. Louis to learn about God's heart for the cities, the poor, the world, and for mission. We have 15 CSUN students going, which is pretty amazing.

But fundraising has been difficult. I come from Cal Poly, a large fellowship, where we have a specific way of doing fundraising - we rely on big events such as dance parties, potluck dinners, t-shirt fundraisers, etc. Since we have such a large base to get people to participate this, and a wealthier community they all work very well. Let's face it, they have not been working well at CSUN. I attempted to do a t-shirt fundraiser and it was like pulling teeth to get people to participate. A lot of work for not a lot of money.

So I felt God asking me to keep it simple, just ask for the funds. I took two students with me, Mark and Jenel, to my home church Lake Ave to ask a one small group to support us as we head to Urbana in about a month. I didn't give either Mark or Jenel much explanation but they remained faithful, sharing why they wanted to go. I don't think people in the small group were moved by their stories as much as they were moved by the spirit to give.

After making a 10 minute or less announcements, and staying afterwards to talk, we raised $650. I was amazed and blown away by God's provision, in what seemed like no effort. But it wasn't me, or even my students who somehow convinced people to give to us, it was the Lord, who worked in the hearts of people to give so that 15 students may learn more God's heart for the world.