As you may have heard, I recently attended a huge missions conference in St. Louis, MO known as
Urbana 12. I went three years ago in 2009 and both conferences had a profound affect on my life. Back in 2009 I was anxiously awaiting an answer to the question "What will I do when I graduate?" I got one phrase - "Return to Fresno." And while I grossly misinterpreted that to mean moving to Fresno full time (which I didn't), I did find myself on staff for a Urban summer project in Fresno and then returning to get my teaching credential. A lot of things happened in my life because of Urbana 09, and I can only assume the same will happen for Urbana 12. But I don't know what God will do as a result of Urbana 12, and so I thought I would share what I am processing.
I tend to be very experiential so while the sessions were amazing (and you can see them
here), I probably learned more from my experiences at Urbana 12 than any of the general sessions. First let me tell you what I did while I was there. Since I was serving as a staff at the conference, I did not have the freedom to do what I liked all the time. I worked in the bookstore stock room, making sure the bookstore looked clean, that there were always enough books on the shelves, and keeping track of when books sold out. I worked mostly from 1:00-6:30 (and was sadly unable to go to any of the seminars) with meetings in the morning. I was able to attend most of the general sessions and spend some time with my students.
I was surprised how difficult it was to serve in this role for several reasons. One it was very psychically taxing. I was on my feet for at least seven hours a day at work (not to mention all the walking to and from places) and while I was working around a lot of people, the lack of direct interaction wore the extrovert in me out completely. It was also interesting to be in a working position where you weren't sure if people were supposed to interact with you. Most people who walked through the bookstore tended to ignore the stock room employees not out of spite but so they wouldn't be in the way. They also had the cashiers to interact with and the book information table to ask their questions. We were there to keep the place running smoothly and sometimes it meant staying out of the way.
It was also difficult because I felt I was missing out on a lot. When I was a student in Urbana 09, I was directly apart of the whole Urbana experience, processing with my friends and maybe even being a little annoying at some points (I was still learning how to process around introverts at the time). But this time I felt distant from my students - who were soaking up their own Urbana experience, who had each other to process with, and I was limited by my work hours and my exhaustion. There were moments when I felt as I reached out to students, I could only go so far and they were already taken care. It was hard for me, for someone who had spent an entire semester trying to take care of them, feeling like I was unable to do so at this conference for a large variety of reasons.
So what did I learn while I was there? Well four things stuck out about my
experience at Urbana 12 (not including the amazing sessions I was able to be a part of).
1. Sometimes ministry is about getting on your knees and pulling books out of boxes. Ministry is not always the glorified view we paint it to be. There is a lot of hard work involved and sometimes we don't get noticed for the hard work we do - and many times we shouldn't. We live in a culture where we constantly need to be praised for every good work that is done (I'm a frequent member of wanting to be in that club) and sometimes we just need to do the work that God has called us, not to get notice or praise but because God has called us. That week, God called me to serve in the book store stock room. No, it was not glorious or fancy (and sometimes not fun) but it was necessary to help students have the full experience of Urbana 12. Will I see how my efforts somehow affected God's Kingdom - no I will not. But I can see how working here affected me and that is more than good enough.
2. Jesus meets people's needs, not me. This was probably the harder lesson I learned while at Urbana. After working with a ministry that had not had staff, I got used to the idea that I was "needed" around that fellowship. And yes, staff were needed there but ultimately it Jesus who meets their spiritual and physical needs much better than I could ever attempt. As I longed to meet the spiritual needs of my students - to help them process, to join in their experience of Urbana 12, Jesus telling me to let him meet the needs of my students. This doesn't mean I back off or get lazy because sometimes Jesus meets people's needs by using his servants to do something. And even if Jesus is meeting people's needs through me - I let Jesus be in control of the process. It changes how I respond and even initiate with my students, keeping Jesus at the center rather than myself.
3. My self-worth and value is not linked to how often people want to process with me. This is a hard lesson that I keep having to re-learn. Since the best way that I experience love from other people is quality time, I tend to view their time spent with me as an extension of their love. When it comes to ministry, I can be tempted to think that students care for me and trust me when they want to process their experiences with me and tend to be apathetic about me when they would rather process with others. This got challenged simply by my lack of availability I was not around as often to process and experience the conference with my students so they would go to others rather than to me. Also Urbana is a hectic conference (really even that feels like an understatement) and so to process anything while you are there is only done by the extreme processors (like myself - but even I didn't do it this time). It is an ongoing lesson that was brought to the light when I came home as I tried to interact with my students about their experiences and felt like they had other places to go and process. It was hard to admit that I once again tied my value as a staff worker with how much people seek me out. But here they can seek out each other and seek out Jesus and once again challenging how easy it is for me to feel I have to be at the center.
4. A call is not felt, it is heard. This was big for me. When Tom Lin, the Urbana director gave an invitation to partake in God's cross-cultural and global mission - three years ago I was waiting for the magic spark. I was waiting for the gooey feeling inside that I knew this was right. Little did I know that God was trying to tell me for years to just partake anyway, that he was calling me to partner with someone great for something great. This year, as I sat in my seat, I knew that God was calling me to just say yes - that he would figure out the rest and let me know of the small steps I needed to take. I didn't have to wait for a gooey feeling inside to partake in his mission but I knew that's just what I wanted to do with my life long term. So I said yes. Don't know what will happen next but I know that God is faithful to lead me and prepare me for where he wants me to go.
It feels like a lot when I put it in writing, and maybe it was long overdue but now I must review my notes and watch the videos to see what God was teaching me through the content of Urbana, not just my experiences.
