Psalms

My bible study is going through 1 Samuel and the psalms in order to see how David prayed his way through life. We wrote psalms during study...

Lord, I am tired, exhausted. 

I feel as if my body is made of stone. 

It becomes heavier to move each day. 

There is never enough sleep to get, 

Too much to still do, and never 

Enough time in the day. 

Never enough money in the bank. 

There just never seems to be

Enough. 

It's like my brain is being pulled in

Different directions, stretched too thin. 

I want to sing that all I need is you 

But my body seems to disagree. 

My body and mind are odds with my soul. 

How can these things co-exist and fight 

At the same time. So much trying to rule my life. 

I feel like I've been running for days straight. 

Why must it be so difficult? 

Why does it seem as if there's still not enough. 

Why? Why? Why? 

And I have to hold it all together because that is what everyone else is telling 

Me to do. Keep it together. Be an adult. 

But I really feel as if everything is falling apart. Slowly unraveling. 

Pull the string and the whole sweater comes apart. 

But I know, Lord, that you are enough. 

That you are greater than the things I lack. 

You are the provider and my strength. 

Lord help me to see this, even when sleep and stress 

Cloud my eyes. 

So I lift my eyes up to the hills. 

Know where my help comes from. 

My help, comes from you, my God. 

Maker of heaven and earth. 

When my soul is downcast, I will put my 

Hope in You. 

My savior and my God. 

Student Teaching Reflections: Week One

I just finished my first week at Santa Maria High School where I teach freshman and sophomores and believe me when I say, it feels more like a month has gone by than just a week.

Here is the conclusion that I have come to: teaching is one of the hardest professions that exist. I have now become responsible for at least forty 14-16 year olds in a short time (and when I become a full time teacher it will be more like 120 students). And I'm not even that mature myself but now I must muster every mature and responsible bone in my body to lead these students. What I'm finding the hardest to do is to keep composure in the classroom when my life outside the classroom seems to be a mess. For example, this whole week I've been getting a lot less sleep because of waking up so early and driving and work and Cal Poly classes - it just adds up to a lot of brain space and little restful sleep. Usually when I don't get a lot of sleep I become grumpy and frustrated but the moment I set foot on the high school grounds, I have to put all that aside for a few hours a day. These students look to me, as their teacher, to be a source of stability and consistency that they may or may not have home. I have to be dependable and on point every day because as a teenager, their own lives are crazy enough as it is.

What I've learned in InterVarsity is completely the opposite. I've always been told to be vulnerable and be open and honest with my struggles. It has been very difficult to watch these mind sets come clashing up against one another. Because high school is not InterVarsity and my students are not the audience for my own personal problems. I can be the audience for theirs, but they need not gain extra burdens in their life. It is a balance that I am learning to navigate and will still have to learn years past student teaching. This is where I take a deep breath and I'm thankful for three day weekends to catch up on sleep.

H2O Irony

A Water Haiku:

My house lacks water
The rain pours onside in heaps
I need a bucket

As the Ruin Falls

I just finished my 2010 blog Tre.Sie.Cinque: A Year in Photos where I took a photography journey through 2010. I have decided to continue my blogging journeys into 2011 and beyond. This blog has it focus through on finding the reality in the imaginative and the imaginative in reality. It is a journey of self discovery, pursuing past fear and into the "real world" past high school and college.

The title comes from one of C.S. Lewis's poems titled "As the Ruin Falls" which talks about how sometimes we use overly flashy words to describe things - our love, our fears, our problems. This is my focus for the year to get down to reality. It will be a collection of poems, of photos, of thoughts, of dreams, of whatever else I can find and use to express myself. Enjoy!

As the Ruin Falls

By C.S. Lewis

All this flashy rhetoric about loving

I never had a selfless thought since I was born. 

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin: 

I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -- 

But, self-imprisioned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught (but how late) my lack

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making

My heart into a bridge by which I might get back

From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains

You give me are more precious that all other gains.