Staying for the Need

FUI Update #5 

There is a part of me that wants to remain in Fresno for the need. Yes, after my last update it seems a little shocking that I would consider to stay in this place but the need draws me closer. Unable to ignore this consistent need, I am fueled by a passion to fix broken things. Because if I don’t do it, then who will? For many of my friends at FUI when they leave – their ministries will remain mostly in tact. For some of us, as we leave, so do the ministries. You see, after I leave FUI Light and Life Urban Ministries will cease to exist as it does right now. The current staff are following God’s call elsewhere. It appears that this ministry is hanging by a thread, these kids are left here, alone, and there is a huge need to love them. They will have to say goodbye to those who have spent so much of their lives investing in who they are now and deal with the reality that the structure of what they know is going to change.

When I first put all the pieces together of what was happening – I was infuriated. How could God possibly allow this to happen? Why would he not only call most of the Light and Life staff away – but not ensure anyone worthy to take their place? Why did he not call me – aren’t I qualified enough to keep this ministry going for as long as needed. Yes, I know the kids will have the free lunch program, they will have tutoring, they will have computers, and they will still have their friends – but will it be done through the love of Christ? That I cannot give an answer to. So it is up to me to stay here and keep the ministry alive – to do God’s work.

After I thought about this some more, I realized the problem was not the need, but the problem was the lack of trust in God. I can’t stay just for the need because there will always be a need. There will always be a need for Christians to love on their neighbors and I would never get anywhere in ministry if I solely stayed for the need. I would then fuel my life on the needs of other people. I need to be called here – by God and not by untrusting self. Because staying for the need alone means I don’t trust God to take care of that need. If I dropped everything right now, without the call from Christ to do so, I would be telling God that I don’t trust him to take care of the kids in the Summer Park apartments and that I could take care of them better than he could.

How arrogant and self-centered of me to even consider that I could do ministry better than God can. In reality, God doesn’t need me to do ministry, but he calls me into that I might benefit from it. I had forgotten that is how I ended up in Fresno for a second summer – that God called me to address a need. A need to serve students as well as a need to see more change in my own life.

But the needs of others are so overwhelming, I keep telling myself. Will Mariana ever feel the true love of a father who doesn’t disappoint her? Will Teshira ever learn how to love her sister and friends as Jesus loved his, will Andy learn to forgive his mother for leaving their family? Will Sandra learn to respect her friends? Will each of these kids I spend several hours with every day learn to experience the rich love of Christ, if I’m not there to show it to them? Again I can’t escape my own selfish desire to take ministry from God. For whatever reason I want to keep control over how these kids will experience God.

Paul faced the same struggle. He wanted to visit his brother Timothy but was unable to do so. “Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy…” (2 Timothy 2:4). It was his one goal, to see the man he spent so much time in ministry with – which he never saw happen. God refused to allow it to happen because Paul was not needed there, God was. Timothy had been sent there by God and Paul could only write to him. In the same way – I am not needed at the Summer Park apartments, God is. And God is powerful enough, and wise enough, to decide who he wants to help him there.