Success and Failure

Let me preface this blog post by saying I am not writing all this about success and failure because I have it all figured out. It is a process that I am working through. I will still be working through for a long time. The scars and wounds I have from this past year (since August) are still fresh, beginning slowly to heal. And thinking about this helps.

The book, Theirs is the Kingdom by Robert Lupton, is a fantastic book about Lupton's move to inner-city Atlanta. In this series of vignettes (short stories), Lupton has family share how the city and its people taught them much about love, Jesus, service, poverty, and riches. I was skimming through the book the other day when I came across this story about a mission venture, which ultimately failed miserably.

"What went wrong? Why did we so miserably fail when our motives, our mission, our plans were all of high quality? Did we not listen carefully enough to God's Spirit?"

I used this quote almost two years go in a while sending summer updates from my mission trip in Fresno. At the time I was feeling like mission trips were a success or a failure, never realizing life, well the missional Christian life, cannot be categorized into such black and white boxes. But when I re-read the update, and put it into the context of my current life, I was nearly moved to tears.

Back in February I had to quit my job as a middle school teacher. I entered the profession with high quality motives, desires, missions, and plans but it was not enough to carry me through to the end of the year. Long before February, I felt I had miserably failed at my job. There were many complicated reasons for my departure that I will not say publicly over the internet. I was treated wrongly and neglected, I felt insure and made mistakes, I faced failure head on when I quit, feeling somehow I had disobeyed God and that is why the year turned out so poor.

I wondered what I had done to displease God so much. I wondered if I misheard God's call. But everything came so easy when moving to San Bernardino. Within a month I had a full time job, an inexpensive apartment close to my school, two amazing roommates, and all without hassle or stress. Wasn't all of this a sign to move forward? But then what happened in between? Was I not a good enough teacher? Was I not trained well? Was I not passionate enough? And why, with all my good motives and heart, why did God let this happen to me?

Behind all of my questioning was the subtle heresy that "God will prosper any endeavor that is done according to this will. The corollary its that whatever fails was somehow done contrary to His intentions. The error in this assumption is perfect communion with God assures flawless performance of his will." Ha! I have to laugh a little bit because this is ridiculous to think I will ever have perfect communion with God while still a sinful human. Neither perfect communion nor flawless performance is possible for us human beings.

Success, ministry success that is, I have learned, has little to do with the performance of God's will. Sometimes the best of intentions and motives goes terribly wrong and the plan or project doesn't work the way intended. Sometimes poor motives and selfish desires turns into an amazing chance for God to reveal his true grace and power. Sometimes we fail because of our sin, shortsightedness, or stupidity and we must learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we fail because of someone else's failure or sin and must learn how to give grace. Sometimes there is no one to blame, there was too much or too little rain and in these cases, there is no corrective lesson to be learned.

Success is not an automatic consequence of obedience. In Proverbs it says,  “A righteous man falls seven times and rises again” (24:16). Even Noah, who obeyed God's call to build an ark, had to to live for 140 days in a box of pooping animals. God never told Noah when the rain would stop, only that it would. Noah had no idea if would be in the ark for 10 days, 50 days, 140 days, or years and years. Failure is not an automatic consequence of disobedience. Many of the 12 disciples basically failed out of Jewish school, they were not good enough to be chosen to follow a rabbi before Jesus came. It wasn't because they weren't disobedient, God had other plans for them.

We have a dependable God who made a trustworthy commitment that no matter what happens - success or failure - he will use it for our ultimate good and the Kingdom's ultimate good. And while my year was a terrible one, one I would deem a total failure, I know in God's eyes, there is good. God sees me for who I am, not as a failed teacher, not as a mistake, but as a loved (albeit wounded) daughter. And that, brings me hope that I was obedient in his call.Let me preface this blog post by saying I am not writing all this about success and failure because I have it all figured out. It is a process that I am working through. I will still be working through for a long time. The scars and wounds I have from this past year (since August) are still fresh, beginning slowly to heal. And thinking about this helps.

The book, Theirs is the Kingdom by Robert Lupton, is a fantastic book about Lupton's move to inner-city Atlanta. In this series of vignettes (short stories), Lupton has family share how the city and its people taught them much about love, Jesus, service, poverty, and riches. I was skimming through the book the other day when I came across this story about a mission venture, which ultimately failed miserably.

"What went wrong? Why did we so miserably fail when our motives, our mission, our plans were all of high quality? Did we not listen carefully enough to God's Spirit?"

I used this quote almost two years go in a while sending summer updates from my mission trip in Fresno. At the time I was feeling like mission trips were a success or a failure, never realizing life, well the missional Christian life, cannot be categorized into such black and white boxes. But when I re-read the update, and put it into the context of my current life, I was nearly moved to tears.

Back in February I had to quit my job as a middle school teacher. I entered the profession with high quality motives, desires, missions, and plans but it was not enough to carry me through to the end of the year. Long before February, I felt I had miserably failed at my job. There were many complicated reasons for my departure that I will not say publicly over the internet. I was treated wrongly and neglected, I felt insure and made mistakes, I faced failure head on when I quit, feeling somehow I had disobeyed God and that is why the year turned out so poor.

I wondered what I had done to displease God so much. I wondered if I misheard God's call. But everything came so easy when moving to San Bernardino. Within a month I had a full time job, an inexpensive apartment close to my school, two amazing roommates, and all without hassle or stress. Wasn't all of this a sign to move forward? But then what happened in between? Was I not a good enough teacher? Was I not trained well? Was I not passionate enough? And why, with all my good motives and heart, why did God let this happen to me?

Behind all of my questioning was the subtle heresy that "God will prosper any endeavor that is done according to this will. The corollary its that whatever fails was somehow done contrary to His intentions. The error in this assumption is perfect communion with God assures flawless performance of his will." Ha! I have to laugh a little bit because this is ridiculous to think I will ever have perfect communion with God while still a sinful human. Neither perfect communion nor flawless performance is possible for us human beings.

Success, ministry success that is, I have learned, has little to do with the performance of God's will. Sometimes the best of intentions and motives goes terribly wrong and the plan or project doesn't work the way intended. Sometimes poor motives and selfish desires turns into an amazing chance for God to reveal his true grace and power. Sometimes we fail because of our sin, shortsightedness, or stupidity and we must learn from those mistakes. Sometimes we fail because of someone else's failure or sin and must learn how to give grace. Sometimes there is no one to blame, there was too much or too little rain and in these cases, there is no corrective lesson to be learned.

Success is not an automatic consequence of obedience. In Proverbs it says,  “A righteous man falls seven times and rises again” (24:16). Even Noah, who obeyed God's call to build an ark, had to to live for 140 days in a box of pooping animals. God never told Noah when the rain would stop, only that it would. Noah had no idea if would be in the ark for 10 days, 50 days, 140 days, or years and years. Failure is not an automatic consequence of disobedience. Many of the 12 disciples basically failed out of Jewish school, they were not good enough to be chosen to follow a rabbi before Jesus came. It wasn't because they weren't disobedient, God had other plans for them.

We have a dependable God who made a trustworthy commitment that no matter what happens - success or failure - he will use it for our ultimate good and the Kingdom's ultimate good. And while my year was a terrible one, one I would deem a total failure, I know in God's eyes, there is good. God sees me for who I am, not as a failed teacher, not as a mistake, but as a loved (albeit wounded) daughter. And that, brings me hope that I was obedient in his call.

Magic

Being a stage manager is kind of like being a magician. There is a lot going on and you want the audience's attention diverted while you make something appear to be real that isn't. I suppose as a stage manager, it is more like being an illusionist. You want be people to believe that the things they see are real. Actors give you the meat of it all in a play but as the stage manger, you set the time and place of a play, allowing the actors to step into an alternate reality, and make what seems impossible, for a moment, seem real enough to touch.

It sound a lot better than being a baby-sitter, mother, mediator, light changer, set changer, sweeper, sound mixer, schedule coordinator, and snack bringer. I would rather say that I am like a magician.